A Hole in One

Scene 1: I’m walking across the tiled kitchen floor when I feel a cold spot somewhere on the bottom of my sock. I lift up my foot to make sure I didn’t step in something and notice a hole there instead.

yes-yes-i-do

Scene 2: I’m two minutes into a walk when my underwear either suction themselves into a killer wedgie or are too big and sag down instead.

Scene 3: I’m halfway to work in the morning and realize that I’m wearing the world’s most uncomfortable bra, which pretty much describes anything that’s not a sports bra.

In all three scenarios, the logical conclusion to each scene would show me removing said article of clothing and promptly throwing it away. After all, they are uncomfortable and/or old and falling apart. I am not a homeless person and as long as I’m not looking for some discontinued model, I can afford to buy new socks and underwear and throw the old away.

But I also have a short attention span, so something usually distracts me between “remember to take off those socks and throw them away” and actually taking off the socks and throwing them away. My guess is it’s usually something shiny or that makes a cool noise…

Anyway, the bra is another story.

I have around, oh, one “big girl bra” that I can wear without feeling like a corset is wrapped around my chest.* When that bra is in the wash or I need to wear something else, I have one backup that can pull off the job of pretending to be needed for a day.

*I realize I could go get fitted and get something fancy, but seeing as my concave boobs take up as much real estate as the mosquito bite on my arm, I’m really not willing to pay.

fucking-bra-racket

With that said, I have a handful of bras and underwear in my drawer that serve no purpose. They are uncomfortable, but yet they’re still there and accidentally worn on occasion simply because I forget and, well, they’re still there.

They’re like those people you can’t stand that you haven’t seen for a while. You think, “Maybe I was wrong. Maybe they’re not that annoying and I can talk to them without wishing for a Xanax salt lick.”

But then “bam!” Two minutes in you realize you should have told them you had to go detail the cat litter box, or in the case of the underwear, you wish you had simply just thrown them away.

So let this be a cautionary tale to you.

If you have holes in your socks, if the elastic on a pair of underwear you bought in a Hanes six-pack is gone or the bra that you have is causing you to stab yourself in the leg with a butter knife, just throw them away.

Save yourself.

Learn from my mistakes.

Don’t be a hero.

*This post is brought to you by the uncomfortable bra I accidentally wore to work and the hole that I found in my sock. Again.

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32 responses to “A Hole in One

  1. This cracked me up so hard ’cause this is me. The other morning I felt the cold spot on the tile and I actually immediately took the socks off and threw them in the garbage. That was so out of character that I actually said out loud to myself, “What the hell? Who am I?”

    Also, I am wearing a strapless bra today that is the most uncomfortable thing ever. But is there such a think as a comfy strapless bra? I think no.

    As for the underwear. I have gotten to where most of mine ar comfy. But I put on an uncomfy pair the other day and then they went in the laundry. Why they didn’t go in the trash is beyond me.

  2. StoriesAndSweetPotatoes

    Oh man, my underwear drawer is like that too. I have a thong in there that is never going to get worn. I don’t even remember where it came from at this point. Sometimes I literally forget to put a bra on at all. That just goes to show how much I don’t actually *need* one.
    PS- Are you trying to tell me you have Xanax? Smash some through the computer to me.

    • If I didn’t have to leave the house for work, I would live in my sports bra or nothing at all. It’s like putting a bra on a 2-by-4. As for the Xanax, if I had any, I probably wouldn’t have so many issues ;)

  3. My problem is I always think I should put the socks in my rag bag but I forget. The bras on the other hand…well…I am scared to go a bra store and get measured. Not kidding.

  4. and if ALL THREE of those things happen all at once, GAAAAH!
    ;)

    I constantly have holes in my socks and uncomfortable bras. *sigh* It is kinda funny, as far as bras, I have quite a few… but I keep wearing the same two over and over… (one in the wash, wear the other…) until I have to throw them both away and start over.

    Jason has been known to sew up the holes in my socks / stockings for me, when they are the expensive ones I want to keep. why is that called darning? weird.

    • If you use the word “stockings” or “darning,” you sound very fancy. In other words, I never use “stockings” or “darning” because I don’t have expensive ones ;) But it’s nice to know I’m not alone with my bra cycling. Hmmm…that sounds like a new form of cardio.

  5. Unlike most dudes who keep clothes with holes in them forever, I’m pretty good about tossing holey garments. Mainly because my teenager and wife will yell and make fun of me if I don’t.

    I have a great embarrassing story about one of my first times and holey underwear but the internet saves things so I’ll just say, nice post Abs

  6. Oh, my gosh, I relate! I have rather large tatas and it is really, really hard for me to find a supportive bra that is also pretty. I get so stuck on the fact that I want something ultra feminine, that I will contually keep trying my girly bras, even though they are for crap in the ‘keep the girls’ high department. For some reason I always think this time will be different, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why I think that! A bra that droops halfway through the day is going to always droop halfway through the day, and I just wish I would learn my lesson!!

    • You have bit tatas. I could be the president of the itty bitty titty committee. But yet somehow we can bond…the power of underwear.

  7. It’s a thing with most of us, I think…who wants to spend good money on something so mundane? And who wants to spend LOTS of good money on something one can’t wear on the outside? Well, except for Victoria’s Secret’s Angels, that is. I remember fondly the days when I was skinny and my bra size was 32 nearly A. Nearly. Why I even bothered at all, I don’t know. Except I was a good Catholic girl back then. Thank goodness I grew out of that!

  8. Your underwear drawer and mine have a lot in common!

  9. I’m one that has gone through several body changes over the years. This has left me with a drawer full of bras that will never fit again unless I happen to gain 15 lbs or get knocked up. I’ve finally started throwing some of them away. Because I keep getting them mixed with bras that actually fit.

    Unless I plan to wear them as a hat, they’re getting tossed!

  10. Hahha good advice. I’m a keeper of crappy clothes…some of my underwear has holes in it. Seriously. It’s bad.

  11. I had ONE bra for about 3 years and finally broke down and bought three at all once. Actually, I bought like 10 from zappos, and then returned most of them, so I could try on a bunch of different ones without actually shopping.

  12. I have holes in all of my underwear. It’s embarrassing. Until it actually falls apart, however, I won’t throw it away.

  13. I have to admit cute bras and underwear are my weakness. I don’t know what it is, exactly, but I buy them all the time and I’d guess I have about 30 bras and maybe 60 pairs of underwear. WEIRD RIGHT? I get a kick out of knowing that, underneath my sweat pants and worn-out tank top, there’s lace and soft fabrics and crap. That is, until I get home at the end of the day. The bra is ALWAYS the first thing to go, and I take it off with such enthusiasm, you’d think I was up on stage or something. RELIEF! Then I make it a point to not open the door when the door bell rings.

  14. Cheers from my overstuffed underwear drawer to yours. I have no idea what I’m doing with strapless bras and all of those different colors of pantyhose. I haven’t worn either in several years.

    And I don’t plan on wearing them again. Ever. But just in case . . . they remain, making it near impossible to shut the drawer without hurting my knuckles.

  15. I have 2 full drawers full of stuff I never wear. Tights, pantyhose, socks, underwear, sexy underwear (yeah, right!), etc. Do you know what I wear? The ones hanging in my closet that I hang up to dry after taking them out of the wash and leave there until I am ready to wear them. Oh, and they came from a 6 pack from Costco.

    I’ve done the hole in the sock thing. I will keep wearing it and wearing it and never throw it away until it completely disintegrates. They are just so comfy despite that hole! Don’t make me give them up, Abby. Please don’t take my holey socks away!

  16. It takes at least 3 wearings of bad fitting underwear to remember to throw it away at end of day. I notice they’re bad during the day, plan on tossing them but somehow by the end of the day they land in the laundry basket instead, and the next time I wear them I remember I meant to throw them away,…

    And the bra thing. I’m an awkward size, 34G. The manufacturer of the kind I’ve worn for years has gone out of business so I keep nursing those old ones along as I try others that just don’t have the fit I want.

  17. 99% of my undergarments are comprised of things I hate. I have to do laundry sometimes just so I can wear underwear that doesn’t make me angry with the world.

  18. Think you’ve encouraged me to go clean out that drawer of “well, maybe these aren’t really that bad” items.
    Is it called “darning” socks because you end up shouting “DARN! DARN! Why do I have to do this – I’m late already!” when you are frantically trying to sew up that sock hole (on the only pair of socks that are clean)?

  19. Oh my God. I must have $1000 worth of fancy underwear overflowing out of my underwear drawer. I don’t know what they’re doing there. But, yes, I refuse to throw them away.

  20. Abby, this post cracked me the hell up!

    “I feel a cold spot somewhere on the bottom of my sock. I lift up my foot to make sure I didn’t step in something and notice a hole there instead.”

    You’re not going to believe this but the same thing happened to me a few weeks ago, I kid you not! And did I throw them out? Noooooooooo. I now use them for when I do a deep moisturizing treatment on my feet, so that I don’t ruin my good socks with lotion. Also, and I probably shouldn’t share this online, but I use my old and tattered underwear (after I wash them of course) as window cleaning rags!

    What can I say, I’m a big recyclier

  21. I recently got fitted for a bra and found out I’m a 36B and I’ve been wearing 32A’s. Oh my God, my life is changed and I’m so much more comfortable now. Get fitted everyone!

  22. Abby, once again, you crack me up!

    ‘“Maybe I was wrong. Maybe they’re not that annoying and I can talk to them without wishing for a Xanax salt lick.”

    That killed me!

    And also, I only have TWO bras I can wear and NOT be uncomfortable. And I can’t even talk about my socks with the holes in the heels. But let’s just say, I might be wearing them right now.

  23. I have been informed that I have far more bras than any normal person should own. I like lingerie. What of it.

    That said, some of them need to go in the tee-rash – and that’s actually mainly sports bras I’ve worn out. It’s not that I am lazy, it’s just that… well, what if all the others are dirty and I really need a bra? WHAT WOULD I DO THEN?

    … because that might happen one day.

  24. Ha. I just threw away the evil underpants that didn’t fit. They fell down low in the back, halfway down my cheeks and then came up real high in front. WTH?!? They were like, designer, panties too. Not the cheap crap.

    Life is too short to wear bad underwear. I don’t care how much you paid for it. Throw it out.

  25. Except for the bra part (of course),, this is all about me. That also includes the attention span. I’m hugely ADD, what can I say.
    Funny stuff!

  26. So glad I’m not the only one! One of my pairs of unnerwears got tangled with the velcro on a bib in the laundry, and in ripping them apart the elastic around one leg got totally shredded. Yet I’ll still accidentally put them on occasionally, and as I feel the elastic slice into one cheek while the other cheek gets no coverage whatsoever, I wonder – again – why I refuse to just throw them out. You’ve inspired me – they’re going in the trash tonight.

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