Numbers Don’t Lie

Despite the fact that I have the attention span of an ADD gnat on speed, I can (and do) watch, listen and talk about sports—namely baseball and hockey—with alarming interest and insight.

great-baseball-hitters-succeed-sports-ecard-someecards

But even I can admit to the ridiculousness at which sports are analyzed. Games that won’t be played for weeks are broken down and predicted based on nothing more than some windbag’s opinion and a bunch of irrelevant statistics:

“No coach that picked his nose with his left pinky on a Wednesday has ever won this.”

“The last time this pitcher ate 67 ranch-flavored sunflower seeds 20 minutes before the game, he went out there and threw a no-hitter.”

When the sun shines at a 56 degree angle and the manager hasn’t changed his ‘lucky’ socks in a week, the team goes on to win 74 percent of the time.”

For some reason, people put stock into the fact that a certain event went a certain way under certain conditions in the past. It’s not just sports either, as we like to know that “nine out of 10 dentists think toothpaste is awesome” and that “Lysol kills 99 percent of germs.”

But stats can be fun, so I decided to compile a few from my own “research” to share with you today. Keep in mind they’re subject to change and variation 79 percent of the time.

  • Jillian Michaels says, “Get some!” 63 times in the Level 3 “Ripped in 30” workout alone.
  • If you make a hot beverage or meal, there is an 84 percent chance of someone interrupting you to ask you a completely irrelevant question.
  • Despite advances in technology, 92 percent of office printers still can’t cancel a job before printing it and 73 percent of employees can’t transfer a call or use the fax machine.
  • A watched pot never boils, but turn your head for five seconds and it will overflow 82 percent of the time.
  • Around 59 percent of people only workout so that they can post on a social media site that they worked out.
  • If you buy a seedless watermelon, there is a 98 percent chance of choking on a watermelon seed while eating it.
  • 68 percent of yoga pants will never actually be worn for yoga.
  • The average person spends 4.3 years of their life watching the time tick down on the microwave while waiting for food to heat up.
  • 100 percent of people that complain about taking the skins off chickpeas are white women between the ages of 21 and 34.
  • If you are waiting for a telephone call and leave for 60 seconds, it will come through 99 percent of the time.
  • After eating one kernel of popcorn, there is a 59 percent chance of that kernel being stuck in your teeth for a minimum of two days.
  • 92 percent of people only use a synonym because they can’t spell the word that they wanted to use.
  • If you go to the store after the gym with no makeup and sweaty clothes, there is an 87 percent chance you will run into at least three people you know.
  • If you to the store after getting your hair styled, there is a 102 percent chance you will run into absolutely no one you know.
  • People who read this blog have a 100 percent chance of being inducted into the Hall of Awesomeness, which will be constructed upon sufficient sponsorships.
  • There is zero percent chance of that happening.

Like the blog? Buy the book.

About these ads

35 responses to “Numbers Don’t Lie

  1. There is a zero percent chance that Lou Ferrigno will give 110 percent, but a 100 percent chance that he will say he did!

  2. i laughed out loud. It’s 100% true. And don’t forget the one about washing your car then a 95% chance of rain within the next 24 hours. ;-)

  3. I think the popcorn one is closer to 75%…

  4. “68 percent of yoga pants will never actually be worn for yoga.” I would have guessed 98%! What do I know…

  5. There is a 100% chance that when Jillian Michaels says “Get some” in the Level 3, “Ripped in 30″ workout, I cry.

  6. I knew I was in the Hall of Awesomeness somewhere. Or will be. Eventually.

  7. 4.3 years is gone. Dammit. I think I lost 2 minutes of those this morning.

    You know, I watch sports all of the time, and I have found that I start to obsess about weird numbers too. Puhols adjusts each batting glove 7 times before each swing (so I am glad that this year he is swinging at everything). During the Playoffs, a ballplayer spits every 3.1 seconds (which is of course how long Mickey took to run down the 1st base line). The average pitcher spits out 157 sunflower seeds per game . . . wait, 1,057.

    And so on.

  8. Those are hilarious and so true!!!! I never run into anyone I know when I go to the market after getting my hair done, but let me just set foot in the parking lot on a bad hair day….!

  9. It’s also 100% true that all those who read this post will laugh and think you are awesome . . . . :-)

  10. I LOVE statistics. The chick pea one made me howl. Hilarious.

    I am fascinated with the amount of superstition a lot of the great sports players have. Like wearing specific underwear, or doing things a very specific way on game day. That kind of stuff is amazing to me, and I don’t even watch sports.

  11. Did you know78% of all statistics are made up on the spot? Just like this one!

  12. hahahaha i love your stats. the chickpea one especially.

  13. “If you to the store after getting your hair styled, there is a 102 percent chance you will run into absolutely no one you know.”

    Truer words have never been spoken. I’ve tested this theory many times. It is always correct.

  14. “Despite advances in technology, 92 percent of office printers still can’t cancel a job before printing it and 73 percent of employees can’t transfer a call or use the fax machine.”

    Yep, that sums up my days in the office. I swear I spend 23.5% of my time re-teaching others how to use the fax and copier machines.

  15. If I ask my dog Ed to sit, there is a 100% chance he won’t do it. There’s also a 60% chance he will look at my other dog, Jenkins, expecting Jenkins to sit for the both of them.

  16. Meleah + sports + numbers + stats + percentages = FAINTS.

    But, this made me laugh out loud, for real

    “A watched pot never boils, but turn your head for five seconds and it will overflow 82 percent of the time.”
    :)

  17. I love baseball commentary mainly because of the completely random statistics that they pull out of their ass.

  18. If you clean your house no one will come over, get sick and leave it to its own devices then there is a 76.3% chance someone will decide they need to come by… Sigh
    So, I don’t get the chickpea stat… Have I been too sheltered ;)

    • A lot of people claim you have to take the skins off of chickpeas to make the best hummus. It’s a total “first world” problem ;)

  19. Sadly, I’m part of at least most of those statistics. Just went to the market after the gym yesterday. And, yes, I ran into someone I know. Luckily, it was someone from the gym.

  20. Do I get something for being inducted into the Hall of Awesomeness???!!! I’m 74 percent sure that I am hoping it’s edible…
    The title of this post alone made me laugh–this is the crap my father says all of the time (accountant).

  21. People take the skins off chickpeas? Who knew!

    So many of those are SO true, it made me laugh.

  22. Laughing hysterically and am 100% sure I will continue to laugh at inappropriate times and in inappropriate places due to this post! Love it!

  23. Get some? Is she referring to a bag of cheetos, a box of wine, a nice long bubble bath and a foot massage? That’s the only “some” I ever want to get when I’m working out. This was hilarious! Loved it!

  24. Thanks for the laugh!

  25. Oh my goodness. This is hysterical and so true! and LOL- I need to count now with the Jillian Michaels CD I have. Feel free to link this up on my Saturday laughs:) http://www.the-mommyhood-chronicles.com

  26. Thanks for proving I’m older than 34, because I had no idea chick pea skins were a problem.

    Here’s another stat for you: the word “bondage” is uttered 18 times during the movie “The Ten Commandments.” This is totally unimportant, but since I bothered to count one year, I try to spread the word.

    • I’ve never actually watched that whole movie, so kudos to you for catching that! As for the chickpea skin removal, I don’t consider it a problem, but I have 3 1/2 more years to become a statistic.

  27. bahahaha!

    Totally too young for the whole chickpea scenario. It sounds painful. Both for the women and for the chickpeas.

  28. Office printers! – Must beat them into submission.
    Would write more comments but lunch is on the stove – and that “watched pot” statistic is true.

  29. Found you via Finding the Funny…I did not know that about chickpea skins! And as for running an errand post getting-hair-done–thanks for scientifically verifying what I’ve always suspected. And wait–you’re supposed to use yoga pants for yoga?? ;) Awesome blog!

  30. I don’t even know where to start on how funny that was! Why does the computer give you the option to cancel a printing job when it knows damn well it isn’t going to cancel???

  31. Ha!! Isn’t this the truth?? I love the one about the sweedless/seeded watermelon and running into someone you know when you have no make-up and look like an armpit. You are right about sports, too. My husband listens to sports talk radio a lot and I swear those men just RUN THEIR MOUTHS talking and talking and talking about sports. It exhauts me to listen to it sometimes.

    (Thanks for linking this up to #findingthefunny a couple of weeks ago! Sorry I am such a loser and just now reading it.)

Talk to me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s