Rage Against the Machine

If you’re reading this, you’re on a computer or at least have online access, which means there is a temporarily symbiotic relationship between you and said technological device.

This is not always the case for me, and I have brought it to my own attention that much like my house, my computer often mocks me.

computerhelp

The passive aggressive nature of this mockery causes me to be much more aggressive than passive, and I often find myself raging against the machine and muttering, now you do what they told ya as I vainly try and do anything other than hit control + alt + delete. 

For example, I will attempt do a simple Google search. After the computer arrogantly tries to read my mind—no, I’m searching for “avocado,” not “Avon,” but thanks for the baseless suggestion—I often click on a link and am told that the page cannot be found.

Well, perhaps you should try a wee bit harder, seeing as it’s your JOB to find the page.

If the page is not available, then don’t offer it as a suggestion. That’s like wafting the smell of pesto pizza under my nose only to tell me that it’s not available. Ever. At that point I’m more emotionally involved with the pizza than I am with most people, so the disappointment could result in a violent outburst unless a suitable replacement is given.

In other words, find the damn page or download a pesto pizza.  Two options. Your call.

But doing a search implies that the computer is willing to at least comply with my request on a basic level. There are many times when my computer won’t even put up a pretense of productivity.

computererror

Instead I am given messages such as: “Not responding,” “The program has unexpectedly quit/stopped working” or the patronizing “Something is technically wrong. Thanks for noticing.”

As if we had a choice? 

I’ve also noticed that it’s become rather possessive and sneaky, often separating me from my friends at times by casting judgment on their messages/comments and labeling them as “Spam” long before I have the opportunity to judge/ignore them for myself.

No one takes away my right to judge/ignore people for myself.

I’ve tried to be nice—gently petting it while whispering soft words of encouragement and then restarting it in hopes it operates a bit more cooperatively, knitting it a little sweater to try and prevent it from freezing up—but no luck. I am pretty much powerless against the spinning beach ball of death that appears whenever the hell it wants to.

Perhaps I’m just jealous and need to model my own behavior after my computer a little bit more.

Not only does it have the option to “sleep” and “hibernate,” but the whole “not responding” thing sounds like something I wouldn’t mind officially implementing into my day.

Then again, the computer still can’t download a pizza while all I have to do is turn on the oven and wait 15 minutes. Well, unless the oven’s in cahoots with my computer.

If that’s the case, I’m screwed.

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34 responses to “Rage Against the Machine

  1. Once again, Abby, you’ve hit the nail on the head! I’ve always said that computers are like cats – you know how felines are. Cats will *always* target people that fear them the most…..and those random error messages are similar to a cat playing with its food before “finishing it off.” Thanks for the Monday morning chuckle!

  2. UGH. Ever since I got a mac, I’ve been much happier. Ctrl alt delete used to be my best friend..

  3. Despite my blogging and social media ick, I’m remarakbly moronic at computers. I have my teenager download my music, my kids explain games to download for them, and my wife helps me when the screen locks up.

    I’m okay with my stupidity.

  4. This post make me crack up! Especially the part about your computer being judgy and calling things Spam.

  5. The idea of knitting it a little sweater cracked me up. I honestly envisioned doing a cartoon with that! :D

    I also hope your internet feels like treating you better instead of being like a distant, scumbag boyfriend to you.

  6. I hear ya girl. I’m basically a computer dinosaur, and whenever anything goes wrong, I want to club the damn thing.

  7. I’ve gotten around the whole pc-pukes-again routine. I bought a piece of white eraser board and cut it to fit over the screen. Now whenever pc pukes, I simply heave a great sigh then heave the whiteboard over the monitor and make up my own sites. They are all the places I want to go online. And they always come up when I place my highlighter on the board. Cuz I’ve already written them on there. Then I walk away and cry on R’s shoulder and he comes in and fixes the real pc. Works every time.

  8. The not responding thing drives me absolutely insane. WHY AREN’T YOU RESPONDING? WHAT ELSE ARE YOU BUSY DOING? MAKING A CAKE? Respond to my every whim, dammit. That’s what you were made for in the first place!

    How in the world are we supposed to move into the Star Trek version of the future with this kind of faulty technology?

  9. My favorite computer problem is the one where the screen starts flash like a disco ball, ON and OFF and repeat. Or when it turns black completely and I have to move the top part of back and forth, up and down until the lights turn back on. Now I know how Jessica Simpson’s boyfriend feels. Good luck with your computer. I try to do most things on my phone now, mostly because I don’t care.

  10. “Not only does it have the option to “sleep” and “hibernate,” but the whole “not responding” thing sounds like something I wouldn’t mind officially implementing into my day.”

    I wouldn’t mind that either.

    My computer drives me crazy when I get the spinning rainbow wheel and have to wait an eternity for it to “stop running script” – whetever the hell that means.

  11. I am an admitted technotard. The fact that I have a blog with perty pictures on it is a miracle in itself. Almost every day I want to throw a computer across the room, and it’s pretty much always from user error. But I love the spam comment. I want to pick and choose who I ignore too. How dare you, computer!

  12. i’ve hit control alt delete 3x already today. My computer is acting like me…. stubborn.

  13. My work pc decides to reinstall itself, at really inopportune moments, such as when I am right in the middle of updating an important contract -I’m all “Erm, HELLO, I am doing something??????”, and my pc is all “Yeah. And your point is?”

    It also does the ‘not responding’ thing, which drives me crazy. “WHY ARE YOU NOT RESPONDING?? IT’S YOUR EFFING JOB TO RESPOND TO ME”.

    If I try and log off whilst it’s not responding, it makes little condescending beeping noises at me.

  14. Hell to the yes! I’ve sort of gotten used to the molasses-like slowness of my work PC, it’s the best I can expect from government owned equipment. But my iMac at home is getting ridiculously slow too. It’s not that I’m inefficient, it’s that technology hates me.

    I think I’ll just close my door today and post a sign that says “(Not Responding)”.

  15. Abby! You’ve done it. You’ve FOUND THE CONSPIRACY. Oops. I bet my computer reads that and refuses to post.

  16. I’m good at getting the blue screen of death. I’m not even sure how many times I’ve had to coax a resurrection.

  17. More than my computer, it’s my cell phone that ticks me off. When typing it does that awful auto-correct thing. Half the time, it offers up something completely random. Recently, no matter how hard I press down, it won’t hang up a phone call. So, the poor person on the other line who is getting a message has about 30 seconds of me trying to hang up and probably hearing, “Damn it!”

  18. HA! I read this when you first posted it, but I was on my phone and sometimes I lack the dexterity and visual focus to comment from my phone – so I’m glad you linked it to Finding the Funny so I had a chance to read it again and (this time) tell you how much it made me laugh! :)

  19. I love “not responding”. I want a t-shirt that says that.

  20. I guess if we ever find the perfect, always reliable computer, we’d never buy a new one. The computer makers would never want that to happen. I think the problems that everyone eventually gets are planted in your computer like a time release medicine capsule.

  21. I always feel like mine seems to know when I’m going to do “one last thing” before I go to bed or leave. It just knows that crashing at that moment will bring me the most pain and suffering.

  22. Gee… I kinda feel bad now, because my computer seems eager and willing to do my bidding. Okay, sometimes it thinks it knows what I want and does it, but that’s not really what I want. Still, I chock that up to being over- anxious to please. I know people who have been in therapy for years trying to deal with that same problem. As for Google, that’s a Satan all it’s own. You can’t blame the ‘puter for that one. I’ve stopped using it for searches and now use Ask. Because it actually searches for what I ASK. Another very clever piece, my friend.

  23. “knitting it a little sweater to try and prevent it from freezing up” – can you knit one for my Macbook? Because I keep getting the Rainbow Pinwheel of Death. And I think that’s code for “knit me a sweater.” Right?

  24. Susi aka Sinead

    I love this post!! So funny and so spot on!!!! That random error popup is hilarious! Exactly as the computers at work. “Well, I’ve been working properly for hours now so I’ll shut down the program just to let you know I’m still here”. Ha!

  25. Ugh, tech issues suck! Just reading this makes me want to beat someone up.

  26. kelleysbreakroom

    That random message made me tee-hee-hee. (Isn’t that annoying? Tee-hee-hee?) Thanks for linking this up with #findingthefunny!

  27. I miss my Mac :)

    ABORT RETRY DELETE

    This is my life

  28. Exactly how I feel about the iPad I am using right now. The one that ate my post yesterday. Twice. Fnd you at finding the funny again.

  29. I blog, I have like a gazillion different email addresses and I frequent social networking sites so much that I should totally get paid for it. Yet when something doesn’t work the way I think it should, I get totally ticked off, just like when my car gives stupid messages like “Change Oil” or that little picture that looks like a tire with a guage…what do those even mean?

    Yeah…I’m like that. I buy them so they’ll work. They should. End of story.

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