Technically, I Should Be a Celebrity

Unless it involves sports,  I generally have no interest in celebrity gossip.

While many of them are talented and deserve to be recognized and compensated for their natural gifts, a majority of them do absolutely nothing more than get paid for acting like idiots who got a lucky break.

But unless you live under a rock—or with the Unibomber, who should have directed his mailings to several of those tabloid celebrities—you can’t escape the coverage.

This got me thinking—how am I not a celebrity?

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I don’t want the fame, but I do need the fortune.

The obvious answer is because I don’t have shockingly good looks, boobs or any skills that would warrant me fame and fortune —minor details, of course—but when you see some of the “celebrity” stories, they’re really not that different from me.

So while I avoid discussing politics like the plague—in fact, I would rather discuss the plague—I am launching my campaign to reach celebrity status so I can represent the “normal” people.

Here are my qualifications:

Sob Stories

Unless you’ve won something like an Oscar or a gold medal, chances are you’ve failed at something and kept on going. Well, a majority of celebrities have some “incredible” sob story that they swear “made them who they are today.”

“She grew up without high-speed Internet, her parents got divorced and she still managed to write song lyrics on the back of cocktail napkins before leaving the bar!”

“He wasn’t recruited by NBA scouts until his junior year, meaning he had to actually work while attending classes he was taking on a full-ride scholarship!”

Yes, Famous People, some of you have overcome incredible odds. But guess what? That’s kind of real life, and when you twist normalcy into some weird saga for sympathy, it leaves most people rolling their eyes so hard they pull a muscle .

So I pledge not to share my sob story when I become a celebrity (mostly because I’ve already done it on this blog for the past two years.)

Pooch Power

Many celebrities have small little dogs. 

I have a little dog.

In fact, he’s smarter than most of the celebrities out there, so if I can’t cut it as a famous person, maybe he still has a shot.

Exhausted Excuses

Celebrities need to quit complaining of exhaustion. I know they work a lot, but they get paid a lot. I also work a lot, but I do not get paid a lot. This means that when I’m exhausted and can barely lift my arms to get out of bed in the morning—every morning—I still have to go to work and not the hospital.

So when I become a celebrity for a yet-to-be-determined reason, I will already have this “exhaustion” thing down and buck the stereotype by taking a tropical vacation instead. This frees up medical personnel for real sick people and instead employs the services of young tanned gentlemen paid to run suntan lotion on my tired back.

I do this for you, my people.

Say “Cheese”

Like many celebrities, I already duck the media and paparazzi in an effort to maintain my privacy—or just not show off the fact that I forgot I had a Velcro roller in my hair or broccoli in my teeth.

However, when given the go-ahead to ham things up, I’m all about the spotlight. If elected, I promise to continue to ramble on and wildly gesticulate when given the cue to perform and throw things at people who try and get a shot of me when I’m unprepared.

Read Between the Lines

I wrote a book that sold a few copies.

Snooki and Paris Hilton are both best-selling “authors.”

snooki-best-seller

No further questions, Your Honor.

Like the blog? Buy the book.

Every campaign needs a solid running mate, so I’m currently screening applicants. What “celebrity” qualifications do you bring to the table?

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34 responses to “Technically, I Should Be a Celebrity

  1. I drive a hot motorcycle, recite poetry on command and make the best cake frosting ever. Does that qualify me as your running mate?

  2. StoriesAndSweetPotatoes

    You can start a new trend with Uncle June. Carry him in your purse every where you go and soon everyone will be doing it.

  3. will you also have a slipper line?

  4. DUDE. We should so have a contract with Bravo AT THE VERY LEAST. I can transform from super-cute to bridge-dweller at the swipe of a makeup wipe, I have a small AND BATSHIT dog, and I’m frequently exhausted enough that Andy Cohen and friends could get HOURS of footage in which I do NOTHING but sleep, rousing only to pee and/or get snacks. But when I rouse? I’m wearing only a t-shirt. (OK, and way-too-much-coverage-to-be-wearing-at-25 underpants – they don’t deserve to be called panties – but still).

    And the tabloids-that-are-now-printed-on-glossy-paper-to-confuse-the-simple? TREASURE TROVE, right here – EVERY WEEK they could get all sorts of fabulous “CELEBRITIES: JUST LIKE US!” Pictures of us both. “ABBY: swiffers her own floors!” “Jessica: takes naps!”

    And I can bitch about some white girl problems with the best of them.

    Seriously, Andy, MTV, whoever the hell is responsible for the clusterfuck that is the Kardashians…where are our “Single In America” mini-series RFPs?

  5. Totally agree, you are way waaay more qualified than most of the B-list celebs who fill our TVs. Okay D-list.

    Hey maybe that is the problem…. you can read and write and speak and therefore you are over-qualified in our Kardashiaized world! That’s it. Crap that blows….

    • I need you on my side–you’re Canadian, have a cute dog and actually know things about celebrities. You would give me cred and I would give you a cut of the cash.

  6. Husband LOVES to point out that sales of my books couldn’t pay the mortgage and SNOOKI is a best selling author. God I love that joke. Never gets old. You’re probably hindered by your ability to spell.

    • My sales couldn’t pay for a copy of Snooki’s book which is why I don’t have a husband. I don’t need that reminder, and plus, my “status” allows the media to speculate…

  7. You should totally be a celebrity. It may require you to carry that small dog in a handbag though. Are you sure you can handle the pressure?

    The overcoming adversity and exhaustion parts were my faves. When I suffer from exhaustion, I just go to work bitchy, then come home and sleep.

    Things I bring to the table to be your celebrity sidekick: I’m chubbier and therefore will make you look better. I can draw any and all bad attention away from you, by tripping over gnats in public. I can photobomb your pictures making horrific faces, so no one pays attention to your broccoli teeth. I can cook and I love veggies as much as you do. Also, I’m way more of a hot mess so you can be the awesome one with your shit together at all times.

  8. Ummmm, you are a celebrity and I consider myself part of your entourage.

  9. As your running mate, I can guarantee that any time we’re ambushed by a throng of photographers, I will be sporting yoga pants with banana smeared on them, no makeup, and a shirt I’ve slept in for at least two nights. This will fit in seamlessly with my current beauty regime, and you’ll look that much more glamorous by comparison. At times you can even hand me some change like I’m a hobo, and earn yourself bonus philanthropy points.

    • Umm…you just described what I wear every day so I’m going to need you to step up your game. You need to be the glamour, as I have the beauty routine of a woodchuck.

      • Hmmm, okay, if I really need to step up my game, I’ll consider putting my contacts in. Maybe. And possibly I could spritz on some body spray if the throngs are going to be “within range.” That should boost me up to badger status, which (if I remember my zoology) is the glamorous cousin of the woodchuck. Or maybe they’re the same thing. I forget.

  10. I’m not really sure how you are I am not a celebrity.

    You look at some of the ass-clowns that are celebrities and it hits you.

    Oh that’s why I’m not a celebrity…

    We need to work on our ass-clownery. Get crackin will you?

  11. and I just said “are” instead of “or”. At least it wasn’t instead of “our.”

    as you can see, I’m well on my way to being an ass-clown/Celebrity

  12. I cannot believe you are not on the cover of People!

  13. Why I should be a celebrity? Dude, I’m AWESOME!! I’m drop-dead gorgeous and talented and smart and funny and cute and the moon and stars bow before me.

    I also have the ego to match.

  14. You’re more amazing, funny, smart & interesting than 90% of the celebrities out there. And it’s a VERY SAD DAY when Snookie is a best selling author.

  15. Team Chauncey all the way.

  16. I have a pair of sunglasses – y’know the ones I mean, the frickin’ huge ones that all the celebrities wear to hide their faces. I don’t know why I even own them, I’m not cool enough, and so, Abby, I will send them to you, because you’re totally bad-ass and you’re going to need them.

  17. My celebrity qualification is that I tell everyone I’m naturally skinny and maintain my shape by hiking on the weekends, but the real truth is I only eat 600 calories a day*

    *Obviously not true. I’m joking.

    • Yeah, I should have added the skinny thing to my list, as that would give them something else to speculate about. I say we team up and just go on a culinary tour, snapping pictures of ourselves and every bite of food we eat to prove our awesomeness. Oh wait…that would make us “healthy living bloggers.” ;)

  18. Hhaha I’d totally vote for you to be MY celebrity! Because that’s how celebrities work right?!? Voting??

  19. I get moody and like to drink a lot of coffee and eat chocolate cupcakes. Consumption of the last two increases in direct correlation to the first. Or, maybe it’s the other way around. Chicken and the egg.
    I find the whole celebrity thing highly humorous. It’s fun to read about the antics once in a while.

  20. I would say my dramatics alone would qualify me for celeb status. Everything that happens is either the “best” or “worst” “ever”.
    And just think, we could be celeb bffs like Paris & Nicole except not vapid! Hooray!

  21. You’re hilarious. And how did Snooks become a best seller? What is her book even about?!? Maybe how to show your kooka to the world while drinking pickle juice

  22. Did you really need to post that picture of Snookie? I think I burned my retinas.
    On a lighter note I want that black suit from the postcard.

  23. Snookie wrote a boob? I mean, “book.”

    I had no idea.

    And to me, Abby, you’re already a celebrity. Congratulations.

  24. Clearly you need to be caught by the camera making a duck face more often: that seems to be key in celebrity status. *purses lips*

  25. It physical hurts me that Snooki “wrote” a book. I thought the criteria for being published was having talent but apparently it’s just being a whore.

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