I’m pretty careful with my money.
While I’m not quite as bad as my grandma, who if you will remember kept large Ziploc bags in the freezer full of ketchup and mustard packets from various fast food establishments that always gave out “free condiments,” I do rinse out Ziplocs on occasion and budget my money appropriately.
Some people buy Prada, I buy produce.
And although I like getting a break on things when I can, people today seem obsessed with getting free stuff. I’ve seen people practically trample each other for a free unknown sample at the grocery store, a pen at an expo or a three-hour old hot dog shot out of a weenie gun at a hockey game.
They don’t know why they want it, but it’s free!
While I used to be one who got excited for free things regardless of whether or not I had any use for them, I really couldn’t care less at this point. If it’s a great deal, of course I’ll run over the elderly and small children to get it. But if it’s something I can simply buy for myself if I really want it, I figure I don’t need more junk.
Which brings me to this couch in my neighbor’s driveway.*
Now if you’re someone who picks up used furniture that has been sitting outside in February for three days in the driveway of a complete stranger, I apologize in advance, but what the hell is wrong with you?
Let’s pretend you’re not picking it up to donate to a good cause somewhere because that makes me sound like a witch, and instead work under the assumption that you want a couch for the rec room and thought this would work out.
After all, it’s winter and garage sales are scarce. Plus, it’s free!
Yes, it is free, and it’s probably harboring the bodily fluids of various people and animals, along with the Ebola virus and several species of undiscovered flesh eating bacteria.
None of that is confirmed of course, but it’s a rather safe assumption.
Kitchen tables and chair, entertainment centers—basically anything that isn’t covered in fabric that can absorb the aforementioned disgustingness is safe and I can kind of understand the appeal of it’s freeness.
But a rogue couch on the side of the road? Unless you’re planning on stripping it down to the foundation and reupholstering the dang thing, that’s like picking up a hitchhiker 20 miles out from a prison.
Just like eating a three hour old hot dog shot out of a weenie gun, that’s not the best idea, my friend.
I understand that I’m a bit biased seeing as how I love my couch more than a normal person should, but I would rather sit on a cold cement floor every day for the rest of my life than expose any part of my flesh to a used couch picked up on the side of the road.
Call me a snob, but just don’t make me sit on that couch.
*Right as I was taking this picture, the neighbor pulled into his driveway. So if anyone asks, I sent you a picture of this couch to see if you were interested in taking it home. But if you really are interested in taking it home, remind me never to visit your house…or at least sit on your furniture.
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