My House is Mocking Me

Alternate title: Appliance Defiance

I’m don’t mean to sound paranoid, but I’m pretty sure my house is plotting against me.

Without a lot of fanfare, certain things have been staging a slow but steady protest, and I can’t help but feel like there’s some clandestine plot that is sure to be exposed in the near future.

toaster

I miss baseball so very, very much.

It began one average day when my non-stick pans up and refused to stop not sticking. As I stood over the stove trying to scrape scrambled eggs off with my spatula while the damn pan considered its job description, I realized that it wasn’t just the pans.

They were my first clue, but then there was the light above my bathroom vanity that has taken to flashing back to the ‘70s with strobe lights whenever I don’t  turn the dial to the precise location. All the way? Let there be light. A little bit off? Let there be a disco dance party.

Shortly thereafter, the dust buster went passive aggressive on me, pushing dust around the room instead of actually sucking (busting?) it up.

Oh, you wanted ME to pick that up? Well, I never….”

Even though at times it would be easier to bend over and physically pick up a string or piece of dirt myself, I refuse. It will bust the dust if it’s the last thing I make it do, which given the potential plot against me, it may very well be.

Then there’s the toaster, a simple standby that has served me well. We have an understanding. Bread goes in, handle goes down, bread pops up. Clean transaction. But lately it has taken to refusing to keep the handle down, therefore negating the actual toasting it is pressed into service to do.

The first time I stood there pushing the damn handle down with a passion reserved for the dysfunctional dust buster, possibly muttering something along the lines of, “Well, aren’t WE the defiant little bastard today” until my bread came out unevenly browned and bitter at the forced interaction.

The next time I decided to try a different approach with, “Yes, take your time. I’ll just hold the handle down while you decide what you’d like to do with this bread.” That worked a bit better—sometimes I don’t even have to ask it nicely—but now the crumb tray refuses to stay securely fastened to the bottom.

This goes to prove my point that the toaster and the dust buster are completely in cahoots.

The weather stripping on my door fell off, the thing you push down to plug the sink in my main bathroom broke and every time I accidentally hit the switch for the garbage disposal instead of the light above my sink, it’s like my own private Nam—and I do this at least once a week.

On top of everything else, I’m thinking the surprise arrival of the avocado cutter earlier this month is simply the next step in their plan.

And each time one of my bastard appliances acts out for attention, it’s simply another reminder that I never got to register at Williams Sonoma for a $400 toaster or a newlywed non-stick pan collection. First the old people mock me, now it’s my house.

Well you know what, spastic ice maker that will randomly turn on and spit out squares without me telling you to? I’m on to you guys, and I’m a confident and capable single woman. Try as you might, I won’t be mocked or intimidated in my own home.

Unless you’re the garbage disposal.

Then all bets are off.

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36 responses to “My House is Mocking Me

  1. When I bought my house my mother said “It never ends” referring to updates/fixes, etc. She was right.

    • Yeah. This was just the recent appliance defiance and didn’t get into the sporadic security light debacle or any number of random things my plumbing/electric/outdoor crap throw my way. They’re all money pits, but still so worth it, right? Right?!?!?

  2. I can’t live without my vacuum. It seems like every three years I have to get a new one. Yes, I vacuum every day (well, almost.) With two dogs and a husband, it’s a necessity. I have been known to scream at the damn thing (the vacuum, not the husband) in tears because it refused to work. I will not live with tumble weed furballs!

  3. I am re-thinking the Roomba I put in my Amazon Wish List.

  4. I repaired the toilet seat 7 times. The garage door is broken for the second time. The garbage disposal hates me, likes the girls.

    It’s like my house knows when it’s a 2 pill day. That rotten sob.

  5. I love “appliance defiance”. And I hate when the light-flickery thing starts happening! Due to my self-diagnosed hypochondria/OCD, I heard once that strobe lights can cause people to have seizures (I think usually this only happens in people with pre-existing conditions) however I hold onto whatever is nearby and wait for it to pass hoping I don’t wake up on the floor in fetal position any time it happens.
    You should smash your toasted on the kitchen floor and leave it there for a few days to send a message to the rest of the crew.

    • *gasp* Not the special toaster! Actually, I have two toasters, and the one that’s pictured works fine. It’s the other one that is the bastard bread manipulator. I just like to save the baseball one for “special” occasions, you know, like after I smash the other one on the floor to send a message.

  6. This is clearly a well thought out and menacing plot against you waged by a variety of household fiittings and appliances. I think you should make your position clear and offer to take them out and burn them after flaying them alive unless they start behaving themselves. When you’ve done that you can come and talk to my bathroom light fitting which goes on and off without discussing it with either me or my partner. Possibly this light fitting may be a distant relative of yours and there is some world wide revolt brewing which could soon be the subject of a horror film. Soon to be shown at your local cinema unless the projector is in on the act

  7. First of all go Tigers! ;)

    I feel your pain, but in a different way. For the past week or so I’m pretty sure my brain is mocking me by making me do some really stupid shit. Well…even more stupid than the norm.

    Keep fighting the good fight! Show your applicances who’s boss!

  8. Let’s go back to your post about kitchen gadgets cause I just thought of what I need: a toaster that imprints the phillies logo on my bread!

  9. Ahh, homeownership. It has taught me nothing if not that we should have bought a condo so all this could be taken care of for us.

  10. You get ‘em Totsy! Don’t let them rule you! I hate when that happens… :S

  11. I’ve been going through the same thing, except with electronic gadgets only (for now, I think I just jinxed myself). After the fridge broke, my laptop crapped out and the charger on my Blackberry stopped working, apparently because I jammed it too aggressively into the little phone jack, so now I can only charge my phone by plugging it into my broken laptop, forever. Awesome.

  12. I feel your pain. I’ve been told not to run the dryer and leave my apartment, because it may or may not cause a tiny little house fire. You know, NBD. It’s okay, my leaking refrigerator will probably eventually extinguish the flames.

  13. I am having similar issues, but with my laptop and cell-phone. Neither of them seem to understand that they are supposed to carry out the things that I ask of them, y’know, like print and make calls. I swear they have a mind of their own.

  14. Melanie The Spork Lover

    This post made me laugh so hard. Especially the part about making the dust buster bust the dust. There is a ploy in my house, and it has to do with things that help keep order/cleanliness. The other day as I was putting away dishes my spoon holder (the one you sit on the stove so you can sit spatulas/spoons on there so as not to have to get your stovetop dirty) flew off the counter and broke in to a gazillion pieces. I thought, “No problem, I’ll just go to Target to get a new one.” Apparently people don’t love the spoon holder as I do, as Target doesn’t have any. So I have a small Fiestaware saucer on my stove for now, ’til I can make it to a Home Goods or order a spoon holder on Amazon. It is ridiculous how bummed I am about not having one of those things in my house.

  15. That’s quite a story, Abby. So what do you figure is gonna be next?

  16. True story…..my automatic ice maker just dropped a cube in solidarity.

  17. This is the exact reason I never want to own a house again. Right now my dryer is broken, and I refuse to purchase a new one. My vacuum gave up, so I’ve been using my dust buster for the whole house. This morning my coffee maker broke, so I’m basically just throwing in the towel.

  18. Pingback: Funny Bitch Friday: Abby Has Issues | Oh Noa.

  19. Yes! Things need to work goddammit. Just work like you’re supposed to. Right?

  20. This reminded me of a line in one of my favorite songs: “Now I’m towing my car, there’s a hole in the roof. My possessions are causing me suspicion but there’s no proof .”

    So you see Abby, the appliances having been trying to take over for years. But posts like yours remind us to keep vigilant against guerrilla appliance warfare.

  21. Boo to rogue appliances! As frustrating as this kind of thing is, only you could make it so fun to read about. I knew I could count on you to brighten my day!

    Knock on wood, the appliance situation is stable at our house. The lighting? Not so much. If I have to replace one more damn bulb, I’m going to lose it. One more bit the dust this morning…we had just replaced another one last week. Maybe now we’ll learn our lesson and buy more than two (enormous) bulbs at a time.

    • I can imagine that building a new house would have a whole slew of house things set to piss you off, but at least you’re starting from scratch. You can get off on the right foot…;)

  22. Bastard appliances from Williams Sonoma fall apart just as quick as the Target models. It sucks no matter what. And it sucks that it costs more to fix them to buy new ones. Last year the dishwasher, stove and ice maker all went down just before Christmas. Sweet.

    Back to my happy place :)

  23. I completely believe that it’s a conspiracy.

  24. You are the funniest bitch I’ve read in a while! Keep it up!

  25. May I add that I fear my house read this post and now MY house is mocking you? I apologize for it.

  26. kelleysbreakroom

    Yeah, you got to totally watch out for the dust buster and toaster. I heard they robbed a bank just yesterday.

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