It’s been awhile since I’ve done an official “Shameless” post, so I thought I would jump back in with this one: Day 8—Sweat.
I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ve belonged to the same gym for more than 14 years, worked there through college and have frequented numerous other facilities. I’ve seen a lot, and with a few exceptions, the same people magically appear in any gym on planet Earth. Some of them work out hard, some don’t work out at all, and some do exercises so bizarre that it’s clearly not safe to be within a 50-foot radius of them.
So because reading about a workout would be boring, I figured I would share a few new rules I would implement if I ever owned a gym.
Any gym is a fashion freak show. There will teenage boys in too-big tank-tops and old men in sweatpants, people in jeans trying to ride stationary bikes and “bodybuilders” who consciously decide to wear Hammer pants and fanny packs paired stylishly with weight belts and wrestling shoes.
Women will primp and proceed to work out just hard enough to appear dedicated, but not hard enough to actually break a sweat and appear “glistening.”
While annoying, these things do not affect me, as I will continue to look relatively normal in my T-shirt and no makeup in comparison. However, certain things will not be allowed:
- No shirt, no shoes, no sweat, meaning do not wear flip-flops or take off your shoes or shirt. No one wants to see feet, and the germ factor is enough for me to have a panic attack. In addition, men are not allowed to take off their “lifting tank” to admire the results of the eight reps of awesomeness they just did and will record in their little notebook after each set.
- Whether you are male or female, short shorts are not allowed on the inner/outer thigh machine for obvious reasons.
- In general, dudes in the weight room wearing shorts so short and tight that they would be considered in bad taste at a Gay Mardi Gras parade will not be tolerated.
- If you marinate in perfume or cologne, you will be asked to leave.
- There will be no intentional farting in the gym. Those who do it often explain to those less publically flatulent that it’s inevitable when working out so hard and eating large amounts of protein. This is bullshit and it stinks. Literally. Go in the bathroom and return upon release.
- Outbursts and primal grunting from the “big boys” are often encouraged with statements like, “You got this!” “Lift that shit!” and “It’s all you!” from spotters. While I cannot ban this motivational technique, I will ask you to tone it down, if only because I feel embarrassed for you.
- If someone is in the middle of an exercise, do not ask them a question, especially if it’s completely unrelated or irrelevant.
- Keep the cell phones in the locker room, as no one need to find out all about how “Treadmill Dude” totally hooked up with that chick from the bar or how “Treadmill Dudette” refuses to call that asshole until he changes his Facebook relationship status from “It’s Complicated.”
- The weights have homes. They like their homes. All the little dumbbells go together and all the big ones go together. Two 30 lb dumbbells belong together and every time one gets placed in the spot of the 15 lb dumbbell, God kills a kitten.
- You are not the king/queen of the Cardio Room remote control, especially if you are using a piece of cardio equipment like a sofa and not actually exercising. You obviously do not understand “exercising,” and therefore do not deserve the remote control.
- Wet machines should only be the result of sanitizing spray.
- Do not do martial arts in the middle of the gym floor (kicking/punching the air) with your crazy ninja breathing and take up tons of space. Be courteous.
There will be no stalkers, either in or outside of the gym.
- Do not hover around and wait for a piece of equipment or cardio machine despite the fact that there are a plethora of other options you could be using.
- Do not stalk someone for a closer parking spot. You are at a gym, a place most normal people go to exercise, so waiting around for a closer parking spot instead of walking an additional 20 feet makes you look like a douche.
But then again, maybe that’s just the fanny pack.
This is by no means an all-inclusive list, but it’s a start. What rule would you add?