Have you ever spent the night playing Bingo with 25 people over the age of 75 on the medical side of an assisted living facility? If not, I’ll let you in on just what you’re missing.
A little background: I’ve talked about the relationship between my mom, my grandma and me before. But if you’re just joining us, we’re pretty close—three generations of Polish snark not lacking authenticity or attitude—for better or for worse. Gram’s at a home half a mile from my house, my mom goes to see her every day and I generally go a couple times a week.
If you want to catch up on Senior Moments, you can read this, this , this or this.
But tonight we will go the activity room.
I’ll set the scene:
It’s four people to a table, two cards to a person, one bowl of Bingo chips for each player. Wheelchairs are locked and they’re ready to roll.
This seems innocent enough, but let’s get one thing straight.
These people have been through wars, marriages, children, deaths, Depressions and depressions. Now they no longer worry about recessions as much as they do if Gertrude next door stole the extra Nutter Butter from their snack tray last Thursday.
My point? They’ve got nothing to lose and they play for keeps. Or rather, they play for candy, which along with popcorn, is the geriatric equivalent of crack.
The activity director—a small, demure blonde girl with a huge heart—will call out the numbers like an NFL quarterback calling a play.
“B 14,” the caller will say. “B one four.”
Someone will ask “before what?” while at least two others will mistake “B14” for something either in the “N” column or as a directive to complain about the fact that it was supposed to be beer and popcorn night.
More numbers will be called and silence—save for a few rogue coughs or bodily functions—will blanket the room. This is either due to the fact that concentration is required for placing each chip, or that half of them have forgotten what they’re doing.
“O 63,” the caller will say. “O six three.”
Mary, sitting right next to the caller, will ask her what was said. This will be repeated after every number called, annoying Gram who will passive-aggressively express this annoyance with a Morse Code of exasperated sighs and Polish cursing.
I will have to remind her that Mary is 100 years old, to which Gram will reply that after 100 years, she should know her way around a goddamn Bingo card.
Leona will win twice in a row, pretty much guaranteeing evil glares and a public shunning by the women until she repents in some way—throwing a game or throwing a hip—to get herself back in good graces.
This might sound harsh, but remember, candy is at stake.
After each triumphant “Bingo!” is called, my mom will distribute that candy by prancing around the room with a tray like an old-fashioned cigarette girl in a bar.
(With the exception of June, who will be given a pudding cup if she’s fortunate enough to win, as she is unfortunately on a puree diet.)
The winner will go one of two ways—either directly for the junk food jugular by grabbing their favorite chocolate-covered treats, or the less manic route, pondering this decision as if a Twix is the last thing they will ever eat in their life.
Which, to be fair, just might be true.
After everyone’s told that their cards must be cleared, the next round of play will begin.
“G 55,” the caller will say. “G five five.”
Mary will ask what was said, Gram will sigh heavily enough to move Julia’s card across the table and Leona will hide the fact that both of her cards contain G55. Out of nowhere Richard will ask where the beer and popcorn are and where the waitress went.
I will remark that a beer sounds good, at which point Gram will remind me that if I wasn’t so picky, I could be out drinking beer with a nice man like Richard or the maintenance man who hung the shelf in her room last week.
I will have to remind her that Richard is 94 years old and the maintenance man was actually a very butch woman, to which Gram will reply that after 30 years, I should lower my standards.
“O66,” the caller will say. “O six six.”
But then I would miss all the fun.
Okay your “this” and “this” hyperlinks aren’t working, so double check that.
After that, omigosh Abby! You have nailed this. Sending my Comp 101 students here for a great piece of expository writing.
That’s weird, because they’re working for me, but the “subscription” thing is all messed up. Why does WordPress continue to stress me out? Sigh…I need more Bingo.
First of all Gram needs to have a serious talk with this Gertrude woman. Nut butter theft is a serious issue and besides – Gertrude may have an eating disorder. (0; Love your Gram. She could set a person straight no doubt.
Love these posts of yours — they make me want to volunteer at an assisted living. My great aunt recently diagnosed with alzheimers and it breaks my heart in a million. She is so frightened.
PS- There is real brilliance in this sentence: “Wheelchairs are locked and they’re ready to roll.” I’m a geek like that, I guess but I really love it.
I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks. You tell such a great tale, Abby. I was going to tell you my favorite line, but I can’t choose just ONE.
My tops?
“geriatric equivalent of crack”
“I will have to remind her that Mary is 100 years old, to which Gram will reply that after 100 years, she should know her way around a goddamn Bingo card.”
and….
“I will have to remind her that Richard is 94 years old and the maintenance man was actually a very butch woman, to which Gram will reply that after 30 years, I should lower my standards.”
I’m glad you liked it! People think I make this stuff up, but the basic premise is 100 percent true. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
Aw, this was heart-warming. I wonder when someone would make a sitcom of seniors playing Bingo. I myself have never played Bingo before, let alone with the elders.
I never grew up with my grandparents, so it’s sad that I didn’t really get much chances to hang out with two generations up. I feel like I’m missing out!
This is too cute and reminded me of my Nanna. She was fabulous. Always had her hair and makeup done and just vamped around the home like a movie star. I want to vamp it up when I’m old! Now I’m going to cry. GAH!
My grandma doesn’t vamp it up, but there are certainly a couple of the women who do. One has this crazy curly wig and every time she gets up to leave dinner, Gram will bust out with “There goes Shirley Temple.” I cringe a bit, but the woman seems to take it as a compliment, which only encourages Gram’s behavior.
This was awesome – a lot of very funny/ poignant moments. You should turn it into a short story / essay and submit to one of the 10 million essay contests I’ve been uncovering lately. Except ones I’ve entered, of course, I don’t want the competition!
Its easy to make fun of this. I do things the hard way. Respect for elders shows amazing character. My deceased grandparents took me to bingo. I loved spending the time with them and smiled through the kitschy fun.
This is an awesome post.
Oh, totally not making fun of this. My whole “senior moments’ collection is simply telling their story. They’re cranky and confused, hilarious and horny, and it’s (usually) a pleasure to see them every day. Plus, it makes me feel better about going to bed at 10 pm.
I am really 75 years old inside and I always get along better with the old crowd. I tried to join the Joy Club at church but didn’t make the senior citizen age requirement. Plus I’m not retired so I couldnt make all those fun trips they go on. But those people are a blast. They are so over trying to impress people and speak their minds. No sugar coating or back stabbing with them. They dont like you? You’ll know it. Love you? You’ll know that too. Not pretentious or petty – way more than I can say for those my age.
It’s so good that you go and do that. I’m thinking a reality TV show should be next logical step.
I <3 you. This made me laugh, and as you know, I needed that
I used to volunteer at nursing homes in high school for service hours and playing bingo was one of my favorites. I remember one lady winning a banana and being none too pleased about it and there were a few choice words throw out. I should really get back into that.
It’s hilarious that you mention the banana, because most of the women there will choose the banana when they win (if it’s an option) only because they know if they give it to my mom, she’ll make banana bread to bring in. Some days my mom will walk out with a dozen freaking bananas.
Your grandmother sounds like a hoot. I can only image the Polish obscenities that she mumbles under her breath! Bingo is so much fun, I don’t care what anybody says. And it sounds like you’ve got some great company (beats the young club kids on a Saturday night for sure). Just keep an eye out on your Twix bar if you ever happen to win. Old people are sneaky
Oh, I don’t play. If I won, that would fire up conspiracy theories. I prefer to sit on the sidelines and make sure no one misses a call.
I’d go just for the Polish cursing! Hilarity!
Fun time, Abby! You will treasure these memories forever.
I will never forget my Nana’s birthday party at the nursing home back in the early 90′s. After dinner, we cleared their plates, then handed out cake and those little ice cream cups that come with their own wooden paddle-spoon. Everyone was thrilled! I got the biggest surprise of all however, when I picked up one woman’s ice cream cup and it was full of corn from dinner!! I will never figure out how she managed to eat the ice cream and then deposit the corn in there. Was it in her cheeks? In her pockets? These are the mysteries and wonders of the elderly. I miss them so.
I haven’t played Bingo with old people since high school. Those were some good times.
That sounds like so much fun! I used to play bingo with a room filled with the elderly but then a man had a stroke during my ball reading and it got a bit intense.
HA HA HA HA!!! I can see Gram doing that too. When Grandpa was here when we were kids she would huff & puff & mutter Polish curses under her breath at him, then complain to mom or Tom in the kitchen. God love her, shes so spunky.
fancy schmancy candy…at one place i worked in college, they played for donated personal-care items. it was like the counter at macy’s and there is one tube of estee lauder “magical mauve” left in.the.whole.world.
i adore you, and now your mom and grandma, too.
OMG I can’t believe it took me so long to get over here, I should know that you are going to give me the giggle I need. My mom’s mom..god rest her was a true lover of Bingo too. She used to ask for markers and elephants (for luck) for her birthdays. She would go an hour early and set up everyone’s cards and any gossip woth relaying to us was about who cheated, who won more $$ tha they should and what so and so WORE last week.
Abs, you are my Polish sister I know it. You gave me such a good laugh, such warm memories with your words…LOVED IT!!!!!
first rule of Bingo, is you don’t about Bingo
Are you allowed to have multiple cards or is it one card at atime?
I need to meet your Gram. This was absolutely hilarious! Seriously, we need to start working on ending up in the same nursing home because we would SO rule.
It makes you wonder about your own future, doesn’t it, Abby? I don’t mean yours in particular, but everyone’s, provided were lucky to get that old. Can you imagine being, what, 85-plus and your entire life revolving around the daily meals, playing bingo and the odd visitor, and you ask yourself, ‘How did I end up here’? It sure makes me want to do an ostrich. You know, the typical guy thing.
Actually, that’s pretty much my life now and don’t mind it a bit! There’s security and simplicity and appreciation of the little things, which in actuality, are the big things.
You know what – you could be right. If you think about what really matters, it’s not that mansion or the car we can barely afford – it’s the little things that are, as you put it, the big things. But still, I don’t look forward to being put in a home, I tell you. Unless, of course, I had my own Abby who’d come and visit me, but I don’t have any kids, so…
I agree. They’re generally not the best places to be, and considering I don’t have kids either, I’m screwed. Best enjoy my health and relative youth while I can!
Have you seen the Curb episode where Larry plays bingo at his dad’s assisted living place? Totally reminds me of this post. Larry created tons of controversy by not only playing a card but then having the balls to yell out “Bingo!”
I worked in a bingo hall when I was in high school. People would bring their good luck charms and special daubers. Whenever I got to go in the non-smoking cubicle area I was always tremendously relieved to breathe in some fresh air. You probably don’t have to worry about smoke in this situation though.
I love LD. I miss LD. Back when my grandma was healthy and in Florida, there was most certainly an “incident” at the hall in which someone’s good luck Troll was moved out of alignment and all hell broke loose. This is when the women played 20 cards and cut anyone that touched their magic daubers. Thank god we’re past that…
oh, my we are ALREADY aligned, and I just started reading you!! I was writing (in my head) a post about bingo just yesterday.
we actually play bingo from time to time, and it’s actually fun. your version sounds much more fun, or perhaps I need to listen more closely.
I laughed, so thank you for that. then I laughed again at Catherine talking about RULING the nursing home. *tee hee* – can I come along?
Dude, this was so hilarious…and not everyone can tell a hilarious story in a hilarious way (me for example). You do an awesome job of it. Makes me want to hang out with you, your mom, and grandmother. Y’all are obviously fun people to be around. Plus, I’m addicted to snark, so yeah.
There’s too many awesome one-liners in here to point out my favorite, but suffice it to say, you have succeeded in making me laugh and adore you even more. Congratulations.
Your grandma sounds awesome!
That was too much! I loved the part about your grandma telling you to lower your standards…even if it was a butch woman or the nice gentle-man was 94.
I found you through Finding the Funny! And now you’re my newest bookmark..I can’t wait to wade through the rest of your tales!
I so laughed out loud about the butch woman. Abby, this was one of my favorite posts of yours! So glad you linked it up at the #findingthefunny party.
FOr 10 years, I took students to our local home for a program called Adopt A Grandparent. The kids played games with them or made crafts. And it was EXACTLY as you describe, But you left out the part where the ladies with dementia would ask a girl her name and tell her that was the dumbest name she’d ever heard. Or why was she dressed like such a tramp? Or the old men that constantly told the 13 year old girls that they were hot stuff. Or the really far gone lady who kept trying to EAT the bingo chips and put her COOKIES on the bingo board!! Found you at Anna nad Kelley’s!
Oh, I didn’t forget. The post was just too long already. Trust me in that I’m there a few times each week, so I’m no stranger to the lack of filters with these people
Don’t forget the racial declarations either…
You did it again! One of the most clicked links at last week’s party.
We’re featuring you tomorrow – see you then!
Anna
Brilliant! I so get this. Just last week I took our scout troop to the Nursing Home for Bingo. It was EXACTLY like this…only minus the snarky family comments about my personal life, praise Jeeeezus.
I am impressed. Two cards each? I can barely keep up with one and I am half their age.
I know. Back in the day when Gram was sane-ish, she would play 20 cards at one time. I can’t do two, but then again, I was always scared to win anyway.