In the summer, camels can go 5 – 7 days without water. Why am I telling you this? Because no matter what time of the year it is, I am a camel when it comes to physical affection.
I wish I had eyelashes that long though.
Anyway, I’m good with verbal affection, but when it comes to physical affection, I lean more towards no-touchy no-feely.
My mom’s the opposite, but understands this and lovingly calls me The Ice Queen. My grandpa used to make fun of me for it. Random hot men have stopped testing this theory a long time ago (insert sigh and then subsequent eye roll here.)
I’m pretty sure it has something to do with things in my past that are neither here nor there nor anywhere found on this blog, but it also has something to do with neediness. I don’t do neediness. However, there are a couple exceptions—one of them being my grandma.
Considering my feelings towards children, I find it slightly contradictory that I include Gram and her senior posse in this one. Why?
Because the lives of these old people have become fundamentally similar to how it was for them four score and some odd years ago. It is with affection I say that they’re eerily similar to children.
- They’re bathed, they’re tucked into bed, their eyes and noses (and other things) are wiped clean, actions sometimes met with gratitude and sometimes with contempt.
- Teeth are minimal.
- Diapers and bibs have become “plastic pants” and “clothing protectors,” not entirely welcome, but entirely necessary. Clothes in general are not a real concern at this point and socks are the new shoes, unless those shoes have Velcro.
- Food is reduced to “mechanically soft” and sippy cups often appear. There are tantrums and a general give-and-take not unlike that with a toddler. Jaws will remain as clenched as the fist that just hurled a tater tot across the room. Dessert will remain the highlight, often used as a bribe for compliant behavior.
- Medications are hidden in puddings, applesauce and ice cream. This usually works, but on occasion they will execute a revolt, refusing to open their mouths for anything other than a verbal assault on the nurse with the spoon, to complain about the temperature or to launch into a political opinion from 1954.
One other thing they have in common with children—and the point of this post—is that most crave affection. A hug, a touch of the hand, simply straightening out a necklace or shirt sleeve—these simple acts have come to mean a lot to some of them (even more so than dessert.)
Unlike children who have never known the freedom of independence, these people have. Many were probably like me at some point—able-bodied and (questionably) sound of mind, yet stingy with the hugs.
But now those hugs have become a simplistic form of connection, a language to replace the words that often escape them through no fault of their own. So even though they’re needy, and even though I could go weeks without readily dispensing physical affection of my own, I don’t.
In those rare moments when my grandma isn’t leading a dinnertime chorus of Bobby Vinton’s “Melody of Love” or telling me why I’m still single, I brush her hair, I let her grab my face and kiss my forehead, I zip out of camel mode and avoid spitting to surprise, distract or bother whatever I feel is threatening me.
Because despite the years and changing times, she’s still the grandma and I’m still the kid.
And if I don’t let her hug me, she’ll kick my camel ass.
This post is in response to this week’s Red Dress Club RemembeRED prompt:
Affection.
I can’t handle too much touchy feely cause my dad is pretty much the opposite of that he was the primary person who raised me. My mom, on the other hand, was a physical affectiong queen. In the best way possible though. She never got in your face too much that you wanted to smack her.
But I remember being told in treatment I have a problem recieving physical affection. I thought my eating disorder treatment team was nuts to think that this had anything to do with my issues. But in a way, they were right. I think I craved attention (like I craved food) and was reluctant to seek it out. It was like a a full-fat ice cream cone. I wanted it but not really.
Wow, I left you a novel. I’ll go away now and hug my stuffed bear….or a camel if I see one.
And grandmas kiss you right square in the face and always leave their tradmark lipstick smudge. Which I suppose in it’s way is kind of sweet…
No lipstick for Gram and honestly, she’s not a big kisser either. She’s more into me brushing her hair, as that way I don’t block the TV with my big head.
I am also a non-touchy-feeley person. A heartfelt hug from a feeley person has made me feel good before though, and I’ve wanted to change and become that kind of person. But like Popeye it seems I yam what I yam. Maybe I’ll figure it out some day.
You’re physically affectionate when it counts. I’m certain Gram appreciates it.
I’m not a big touchy-feely person either, although I always hug my friends, but strangers — I’m not even crazy about manicures. A friend gave me a gift certificate for a massage in April. It’s still sitting there. I’m waiting to wreck myself silly doing some activity to the point where I’m in such muscular spasm that a massage will actually be a relief.
On the other hand, my dog, cat and horse must endure no end of hugs and kissy face from me.
Oh yes, my animals are No. 1. I don’t care if they’re in the mood to be touchy-feely or not, they’re going to let me love on them dammit.
This is beautiful. You are generous for the sake of Gram.
I am not very touchy feely either, but just like injaynesworld, I will not stop myself with animals- hugs, kisses, cuddles (I have a post I’m writing about how to cuddle a cat- might be this week’s post)…but people not so much. My mom was very touchy feely and so is my brother, so I always felt selfish by not being that way with her. Like would it have killed me to just rub her feet or hold her hand for no reason?
It might have, but I’m sure you expressed yourself in other ways.;) As for the cat post, you know I’m all about your girls!
I’m going to put myself out here, but loved being embraced that there was a time in my teens (due to a childhood past) and I could not tolerate being touched, at one point my own father could not even hug me (that really hurt him).
I became okay later on, but after a horrific abusive marriage, I slowly managed to get myself to that point during my past again, I know I need to deal with these issues, isn’t that such a bitch, I thought I was OVER it, but getting out of that marriage brought back all those feelings again, and going to a GYN, you better drug me first.
Do camels call every day Hump Day?
This is a very affectionate house. My wife and girls and I love on each otehr a lot. I grew up in an old school, unaffectionate house. i didn’t enjoy it.
Trust me when I say I come from a very affectionate house as well. My mom loves and hugs everyone, whether they like it or not.
Sidenote–I love reading about you and your girls.
really really sweet abby. i don’t know what else to say.
I wonder if the lack of comfort with physical affection is common for people with OCD (even ones that aren’t particularly germophobic in their symptoms). I am the least affectionate person ever. Most of the time its fine but it becomes problematic around my dad, who is Greek and wants to hug/kiss you every time you leave a room, and in relationships, apparently guys take it personally if you tell them to just stop showing you attention. Oh well, what can ya do?
Nicole G
I have no idea, as I’ve never struggled with guys showing me too much affection But in all seriousness, I do think there is some sort of connection between OCD and claim over physical space. We have to simply find that balance between personal comfort and public politeness. Dad gets hugs. Random guys can wait it out.
You’re the Ice Queen? I guess we are one in the same since I’ve had multiple men call me that. Add that to one of my teachers in hs telling me my theme song should be “She’s So Cold” by the Stones (Hello inappropriate?) and that doesn’t work in my favor either. In my defense, I’ve gotten nicer as I’ve aged.
I love grandmas! Mine just passed away on 5/4 at age 99. She was sharp and chatty until only a few days before she passed. I’m a bit of a camel myself, but I always made sure she knew what a key place she held in my heart.
I am your arch nemesis–I even stranger hug. But seriously, this is a nice blend of funny and sincere. I like how you weave both together. It gives the affect of light-hearted tenderness. A nice job. Visiting from TRDC
So true. Grandmas need the hugs, and we need to get over our shizz and give ‘em to them.
I do believe i may be a camel, too. (“TOO”, i said. No “toe”)
My friend who is also camel-esque warns me when it is time for us to spontaneously hug. Outsiders who overhear this must think we’re nuts, but it is how we roll.
Came from TRDC linkup.
That’s also how I roll. I can hug, but leaving the kissing for someone else entirely.
I do the no-actual-lip-contact cheek-to-cheek faux kiss. Otherwise? *shudder*
Love your final sentence and also how true it is that older people crave that physical affection. Just stopping by to say hi from the RDC
This is gorgeous. Honest. Poignant. You captured the shift in relationship beautifully. You also captured giving to give what the other person needs, end of story. Amazing post.
The picture of the camel almost made me laugh, which was not really the point right?
I am a hugger, always have been, but I get the feeling of “don’t want to, right now” .
what I’m most happy about is that you put that aside and let your grandma hug you and love you up. I like to think that you aren’t a CAMEL all the time.
You are so sweet with your Gram.
I kinda think to each his own regarding one’s level of affection. For me it depends on my mood. If I’m really bitchy, I don’t want anyone to come near me. If I’m feeling happy I may dole out an extra hug to someone close to me. Strangers not so much. I had to contend with a shitload of hugs last week as some of my patients were feeling overly emotional about my leaving. I sucked it up but wasn’t sad when that was done..
I’m a lot like you. Not a huge physical affection person, don’t really like to hug unless it’s my husband or my parents. I love that in spite of your dislike for most physical affection you make an exception for your Gram. I find that lovely and touching. My grandmother has recently been put in a nursing home, and your words really struck a chord in me. The thought of her having to regress to a near childlike state is sad and just makes me want to hug her. It’s so hard watching someone you love age and lose their independence.
Anyway, I went off on a tangent. Great post! I’m stopping by from TRDC.
No tangent. Any change is hard, especially when it deals with someone you love. All you can do is be there for them and remember that most of the time, they’re not really thinking as clearly as you are. They don’t understand, and most of the time, all they want is someone to understand that and be there for them. If you ever need to chat, feel free to shoot me an email.
I’m with you on the physical affection thing except, as noted by almost everyone here, when it comes to pets. I lost 10 IQ points when I talked to my cat and rubbed his belly. Miss that.
What scares me more is the emotionally needy. Those people for whom nothing is EVER enough (all caps because I would like to scream at them). I would rather hug someone and walk away than have to sit and listen to 45 minutes of mindless chatter and emotional BS. Yes, I am a cold hearted bitch and fully expect to die alone in a state funded institution.
I could have written this comment myself and pretty much have on multiple occasions. You will not wind up alone, but rather surrounded by your cats, happily showering them with affection when it’s convenient for you. We can start a support group.
You’re about the opposite of me. I am a touchy-feely person, but old people kisses freak me out. I remember them as creepy when I was a kid, and it’s still more of a sacrifice to me than a kindness. They’re hard to say no to, but not to resist in my case.
No, I really still don’t do old people kisses unless it’s on my forehead. Hugs? Sure. Anything else? Not so much.
I am quite affectionate in many ways, and I don’t equate giving/receiving affection with neediness. I am partnered (married, attached, whatever you want to call it), but am also a VERY independent, strong individual (just ask my husband!). However, I was raised to give and receive hugs/kisses happily. Everyone is different, though, and I respect the spectrum of “affection needs”.
Also, I am not remotely freaked out by the elderly, as I realize I will be old one day and hope that people will still want to embrace me. Perhaps that is because my mother was a nurse on an Alzheimer’s unit for many years and I became quite at ease with old folks. I admire them greatly!