Warning Signs

There are warning signs.

The sun gets molested by layers of dark and ominous clouds. Birds and small animals—even the simple ones that hang out in the street—run for cover and hide. Occasionally the earth will quake.

No, I’m not talking about  impending planetary doom, but rather warning signs that I’m boarding a bus to Funky Town. In other words, falling into a funk of crankiness.

Most of the time I’m positive and can deal with whatever annoyances pop up—an oppressive heat wave, getting yelled at by old people, a flare up of old issues—but sometimes I’m get positively pissy.

My-name-is-Vivian-and-Im-in-a-bad-mood_

I display all the classic symptoms of crankiness—snarky shortness, passive-aggressive Facebook updates that run more aggressive than passive, etc.—but I also have a few of my own that are a bit harder to detect with the naked eye. They aren’t quite as obvious as Voodoo dolls or the situational hyperbole above, so I thought I should educate the general public on how the innocent can avoid my wrath in these moments of crankiness.

*For those who have contributed to causing this crankiness, there will be no warning signs before I attack. I can slip into stealth mode like a cheetah stalking prey and hit you when you least expect it—possibly in a literal sense with random office supplies.

Warning Signs

I’m rather hippy-dippy and a huge advocate for recycling and nature. In fact, I think people who litter should be forced to eat  the crap-filled diapers they leave in parking lots or have the McDonald’s bag they threw out their window strapped to their lazy ass for a week.

But in compiling this list, it appears that I take my angst out on Mother Earth in subtle ways. No, I don’t do anything drastic like destroy the habitat of an endangered bird or go around spraying aerosol cans like a maniac, but for me, these little rebellions are out of character.

  • I spit my gum out in inappropriate places. While I usually make sure to dispose of my gum in a proper trash receptacle, when I’m in funk phase, I spit it out like a pitcher spitting chew out on the mound or subtly spit it into my hand before launching it into the street.
  • I rebel by not recycling. It could be a water bottle or some junk mail, but when I’m pissy, I get this urge to bypass the bin and directly deposit potential recyclables into the trash. It’s never a large amount of something, but it’s enough.
  • If the dog has the misfortune of being dragged on a walk when I’m pissy,  I don’t pick up poop—a huge pet peeve of mine (no pun intended.) I’ll try and drag him to the empty lot to do his business instead of the perfectly manicured lawn he prefers, but if that doesn’t work, I proceed to exhibit the most ridiculous behavior ever.  When I’m in a funk, I will take the plastic bag and pretend to pick up the poop, but really just pull up some grass next to it and cover it up. In the moment, I feel victorious. He pretends not to know me.
  • My flowers don’t get watered. I think it’s because I see them as needy, and needy annoys me when I’m pissy (and frankly, even when I’m not.) I will look at them, look at the hose, feel a bit powerful and as long as they don’t look on the edge of death, I look the other way. In fact, I might even pour myself a big ol’ glass of water and go outside to drink it among my potential victims of  horticultural homicide.

There are a few other warning signs—refusing to let people into my lane when driving, as I know if they don’t give me the courtesy wave and mouth “thank you,” I will be tempted to run them off the road and unleash a string of profanity involving their mother and a truck stop, for example—but it’s possible these are just part of my personality.

At any rate, I admit I’m not proud of these mini rebellions that seem to pop up when I slip into a funk, but at least it’s temporary and you’ve been warned.

And at least you’re not one of my plants.

Do you have any warning signs that are a bit out of the ordinary?

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32 responses to “Warning Signs

  1. LOL, I will be SURE to stay out of your way if your gum hits my shoe!!!

    yes, I get QUIET when I’m cranky or pissed….and I am NEVER EVER quiet, so people know that I’m mad, cranky or pissed. John calls it the “bad Kirsten” LOL

    this was such a great post and a FAIR WARNING..you made me giggle!!!!

  2. I saw a sign when I was running the other day that said “Please leave your address so my dog can come poop in your yard” and I am just patiently waiting for the day that my sweet little Hendrix leaves a nice big present for those passive-agressive a-holes.
    Put snarky signs up in your yard, will you…

  3. Honest Abby! I do these too, variations of course. I guess its just the whole “fuck it” attitude. A part of me thinks that I’m just “letting myself off the hook” and “being normal.” I mean, everyone else acts like assholes, so I guess I will too.

    It passes but its fun to be a recycling rebel for a spell…
    ;)

  4. I am the same way!
    I get kind of mean when I get depressed and it’s crazy.
    I start saying mean things in my head to, for example, the large slow women at the store who just wont get.out.of.MY.WAY!! Totally ridiculous to be so mean.
    Its really frightening actually, as it is a complete 180 from my usual self.
    I guess I have a dark underbelly.

    • But at least you only say mean things in your head. If you start ramming slow women at the grocery store with your cart or throwing random product items her way, then you might have an issue.

  5. I tend to get very quiet and unresponsive. If I’m not chatty or making eye contact, my husband starts asking, “Is everything ok?”

  6. Gum on the street? No! That’s not good. It’s right up there w/ cigarette butts.

    Aside from using the word fuck like a comma my warning sign is I eat like a 9 year old boy- salty sweet salty sweet salty- until I’m queasy. This could mean cookies potato chips chocolate fries. Stupid because you are at least directing it at others while I’m making myself sick.

    Anything in particular bring this on? Or just the fact that other people are using up your oxygen?

    • I’m actually not in a funk right now or anything, but when I do get cranky, I notice these signs.
      I actually used to direct towards myself a lot more, and still do at times when I get stressed, but that just sunk me even deeper into funkdom and physical destruction. At least this way only plants and unfortunate homeowner’s are at risk.

  7. Walking around with a bag of poop is enough to make me cranky. My dog continues to look at me like I’ve lost my mind every time I pull out the little blue baggy. I guess he figures if he can’t eat it, I shouldn’t get to have it either. So we’re both pissed off during most of our walk.

    I generally show my disdain with intense glares. But I did once spit a wad of gum by the driver’s door of a guy that stole my parking space.

    • I never aim my gum at anything specific. It’s usually just in to the middle of the street or something or down a drainage grate. I don’t get me, I know. I should at least direct it towards something other than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

  8. The picture of that cat was so amazing…how funny! love your little blog!

    T.

  9. This made me smile (though I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling kind of shitty) because I recognize the similarities in how I behave when I get into a funk.

    For me, it tends to be honking the horn at slow cars–while my husband is driving. Since I already swear like a sailor I can’t say that that changes but it might. I also do the fuck the recycling thing. I’ll also flip off cyclists and/or cars that I feel are breaking traffic laws (or getting in my way) while I’m out of a walk or run….like I’m some kind of moral traffic cop or something. Grrrr!

  10. Oh, man, this month I had PMS for 10 DAYS!! (Sorry, I’m sure you didn’t need to know that!) It was the worst..I pretty much cope by responding to everything and everybody with, “You know what, why don’t you go fuck yourself?” even if it’s just the phone company at my door asking me if I want to switch internet providers while I’m clearly watching The Price is Right in my pajamas at 2 p.m. Also, I would like to say that I share your frustration over people who do not wave or nod or show me that I AM THE GREATEST EVER when I allow them to cut in front of me in traffic. I waaaaait for it, every time, and if it doesn’t happen, I say “You know what, why don’t you go fuck yourself?”

  11. You know when you throw your junk mail out without reading it bambi dies! Just thought you should know! And when I’m in a funk …. I take it out on WALMART!!!

  12. That’s hilarious because I am the same way. When I am grumpy and have had enough, I just start throwing shit away. Fuck recycling. It a full on PURGE, with everything getting tossed into the dumpster. I guess that’s the next best thing to breaking shit.

  13. So that was you driving in front of me past that accident…
    I get quiet when on the verge of eruption. A silent Melissa is a dangerous Melissa indeed.

  14. Bravo! Awesome post. I’m an accident waiting to happen and usually force myself off the road. The warning signs are everywhere. I just keep missing them and crash into mailboxes instead.

  15. For me, every living thing gets labelled as a bitch when I’m pissed. And I won’t change the litter tray for my guinea pigs (usually I do it 4 times a day), I become a hermit, lock myself in my room, and glued myself to the internet -HAH! Driving filled with raged = crazy bitch on the road, and when I see a slow driver, I either tailgate them or cut in front of them and give them a long death stare.

    Gosh, I am such a nasty person!

  16. Horticultural homicide- I die! And taunting those poor plants by drinking in front of them! One thing I notice is that you are not destructive towards yourself, so that’s a plus, right?

    When cranky, I sometimes do that about the recycling- usually if it’s just a piece of paper or something. And I tend to sneer at pretty women. haha.

    Hope you feel good enough to water your plants soon- I hear you have a heat wave?

    • I’m actually not that cranky, despite the timing of this post ;) We just got over the heat wave–it was 94 one day and 74 the next–and the fence is going up in my garden today. Woo-hoo!

  17. My wife says she “loves plants to death”

    currently there are two dead plants (i’m an idiot at horticulture, I know you can;t make one think) on our front porch. My wife says she leaves them tehre to let people know we suck at yard work and green thumbery.

  18. Whenever I’m getting seriously grumpy (=bordering psychotic but don’t tell anybody), I tend to become particularly creative at exposing my unsuspecting colleagues – in cyberspace, of course. Where else? I particularly hate politically correct bureaucrats – I don’t know if you share this feeling – and some of my colleagues have what I call a red nose, so not too long ago I caught myself typing a story about them again. ‘Huh,’ I said to myself, ‘I guess my mood is changing for the worse again.’ It just happens. Do you think I need to see my doctor?
    :)

    Randy from just across the Atlantic

    http://rcbenglishclass.blogspot.com/2011/05/i-love-pc-lessons.html

  19. Cats scare the crap out of me so that picture is really freaking me out. And I’m sitting here with a visual of you and Chauncey “spraying aerosol cans like a maniac” (because in my head he has opposable thumbs) and chunkling. Fun Saturday night, I tell you.

    I do the same exact thing with Lincoln when its hot out. I also wonder why he wants to only walk in the sun when there is a perfectly shaded area five ft away?

    Warm weather and I do NOT mix…..unless I’m near the beach or a pool.

  20. I do the not-recycling thing too. What IS that? So silly.
    I become quieter, but my movements become louder.
    Came from TRDC linkup!

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