Admit It

Whereas I used my last post to educate you about the dangers lurking in the mall, this post is going to be used to make you feel a bit more normal about yourself.

Or it will make you think I’m a total weirdo.

will-today-be-included-in-your-memoirs

It’s a coin flip.

But I’m willing to take that risk, as I find it hard to believe that I am the only person that does certain things—and I don’t mean just eating with plastic silverware that has been washed and stuck in the drawer at home, even though the “real” stuff is right next to it.

Ahem.

Let’s move on to some things you might not admit to, but know you have recently done once or twice  (and by “you” I mean “me,” of course). 

Admit it, you’ve:

  • Dusted around certain things instead of picking them up and dusting under them. It can be a coaster or a toaster and yet I will occasionally decide it’s too much effort to actually lift it up.
  • Sprayed perfume/air freshener and then proceeded to walk straight into it with your mouth open.
  • Heard the doorbell and thrown yourself  across the room and/or dove behind a large piece of furniture like a stuntman in an effort to fake out one of the millionteenth neighbor kids begging you to buy overpriced wrapping paper and stale popcorn.
  • Yelled at an inanimate object in a way that would make Andrew Dice Clay blush, only to find out that you forgot to plug the damn thing in.

toast

  • Gone a whole day before realizing you have a fabric softener sheet stuck in a sleeve or pant leg, and then decided that it smelled just lovely enough to keep there.
  • Created a paper jam at the copy machine/printer (accidentally), checked to see if anyone saw you (discretely) and walked away (quickly). 
  • Given an automatic reply, such as “You too,” “Love ya, “ etc. in situations where it absolutely makes no sense.
  • Wanted to bitch slap douche from the gym who wears his “Leg Day” pants, tank top, lifting gloves and weight belt to the store and looks at everyone else like they’re the weirdos.  mr-abdominal

You know you know him.

  • Spontaneously busted out with “Dancing Queen” as you walked into your boss’ office (much to her surprise, and dare I say…delight?) 
  • Avoided purchasing an article of clothing because you might have to iron it at some point in the future and even though you have an iron, that’s not the point.
  • Found yourself typing out basic words in brand new ways—“thare” and “Noo York,” for example—and got pissed when spell check pointed this out.
  • Farted while doing yoga. (Don’t pretend it’s never happened, unless of course you’ve never done yoga or you practice at home—like me—and now you’re pretending you don’t know what I’m talking about.)

Well, there’s a look at how my week has gone so far…

Admit it.

You feel a bit more normal. 

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My work here is done.

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30 responses to “Admit It

  1. Delight. Pure and utter delight. And most definitely needed, so please feel free to serenade me any time you’d like. I’m thinking I’ll be in the mood for some “Rent” tomorrow …

  2. Totally done the automatic reply thing.

    I’ll admit to looking both ways before I cross the one-way street in front of my apartment…every day.

  3. Haha! This made me smile big time! Why? Because I have done most of these things. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not a total weirdo!

  4. Loved this list. I’ve done way too many to not be considered weird ;)

    I admit to staying up till 11 most nights not because I want to or couldn’t just easily pass out at 9pm, but because I feel like it isn’t okay to go to bed earlier. Can’t really explain it.

    Nicole G

    • I often play that game in my head, “Is it too early to go to bed or can I swing it?” Eventually I learned I love sleep more than worrying about loving sleep. No shame in my (slumbering) game ;)

  5. Farting in yoga has nothing on me. Especially cause I know you do yoga in the privacy of your own home. It’s awkward when you teach yoga and someone farts and some students laugh while others pretend they didn’t hear/smell it.

    Anyhow, I admit I eat something off the floor if it’s delicious. I’m generally a clean person, but delicious food going to waste makes my stomach churn.

    • I forgot to add the food on the floor thing–I do it all the time. Plus, my floors are usually rather clean, so I’m more ticked that the floor had food fall on it than the fact that my food fell on the floor.

  6. Gone a whole day before realizing you have a pair of underwear stuck in a sleeve or pant leg, and then decided that it smelled just lovely enough to keep there.

    (just kidding on the second part.)

  7. in my apartment there’s no front window, but you can hear everything so i often tiptoe barefoot to the door to try and look out the peephole without tipping anyone off that i’m there. considering that generally the only people to ring the bell are solicitors or kids playing mzakes that the better way to go!

    and i’m with you on the iron thing. i also try not to buy anything that isn’t washable. although i did invest (ha, $20-30) in a home steamer and it has made my life infinitely nicer! i can take out creases just on a hanger, it’s faster than ironing, and no worries about screwing up sleeves or plackets. highly recommended!

    i won’t even admit the other things i do, at least not yet. i suspect i’m kinda gross by typical standards..

  8. I never knew how normal I was!!
    The paper jam escape was the story of my corporate life, yes I have farted in yoga (I silent non-smelly one thank goodies) and done so many of these things.
    I actually do the auto-response on purpose because I find it hilarious …
    “Enjoy Your Workout!” from the manager at the gym “Thanks, you too!”
    “Happy Birthday” I love to say “You, too!”
    And my personal favorite is to say “Your welcome” after “Congratulations”

  9. Being “normal” is weird. Or maybe weird is the new normal? In any case, I’m glad to not be the only weirdo out there. Ain’t nothing wrong with embracing your own lovable and sometimes freakish qualities :) Hell, I dance around the house making up my own stupid songs to the alternating horror and delight of my husband. Poor guy didn’t know that he was marrying such weirdo! It seems to be getting worse instead of better over time (but he bought the cow so he’s stuck!).
    And the Diceman’s got nothing on me when I’m pissed :)

  10. You’ll have to fill me in on what “leg day pants” are. They sound just the right amount of douchy!

    I have, on several occasions, gotten into the shower, turned the water on, and only then realized that I am still wearing a bra.

  11. “Normal” is the most discriminating term of modern times.

    Love the list! :D

  12. I have, in fact, done all of these things, except for Danicing Queen, insert “My Heart Will Go On”. Another embarassing act of note: my dog straight laped my ice water yesterday, like…more than once…I’m talking tongue completely submurged in my glass and I definitely drank the entire thing. I feel fine today… except I can’t stop rubbing my own tummy…

  13. Ah, ha! All so funny and very true.

  14. Yep . All of those. And I queefed during yoga. Never went back.

  15. I love this post. I often reply to grocery store/other store clerks’ “Thank you” with a “you too!” And then it usually takes me a few minutes before I realize it was not an appropriate response. And who actually picks up stuff to clean under it? That would involve, you know, REAL cleaning. I can’t be bothered.

  16. Okay, where did you hide the camera? I admit, I haven’t looked underneath the microwave in months, but the counter surrounding it is spotless.

    Love ya!

  17. I don’t feel at all more normal. Just more part of a club. Have you ever looked for your keys that you’re holding in your hand? What about leaving the house to go to the store and actually forgetting to go to the store and going somewhere else? What about that? Take that normal! Embrace the Quirky.

  18. love it and done pretty much all of the above!

  19. Ahem, I have done almost all of these things on your list… Honey, I don’t think we are “normal” we are so totally in a universe that is unlike no other! Loved this post. I was soooooo laughing. Lord knows, I needed a good laugh this AM. Glad I dropped in to peek. I’m now a follower.

  20. Been there, done that, wore the leg day t-shirt.

    The third one is a lie. I’m allergic to gyms, weight machines, exercise.

  21. Pingback: Link Love 4/29 – 5/6/11 | Cordelia Calls It Quits

  22. Have done, er, most of that. The thing I hate the most is when someone says hi and I say “Good thanks, how are you?” Uh, yeah. I was listening. I’m just a robot, apparently.

  23. Yep – another fabulous TRDC find that I HAVE to follow. Best pick-me-up EVER!

  24. Holy shizz: we are twins.

    My iron and I only greet each other maybe on an annual basis. And that’s only if my Mother-in-Law is in town and expects me not to look like a bag of folds in public.

  25. Ha! That first one is me definitely. Except it’s more than just an occasional thing. I will occasionally pick up the coaster or toaster, but it’s rare indeed. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve created a paper jam and then pretended I didn’t do it. I’m so glad the copier can’t talk.

    Oh, and that last one? Made me laugh out loud. And I don’t use “lol” lightly. But yeah, I’ve done it.

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