Whereas I used my last post to educate you about the dangers lurking in the mall, this post is going to be used to make you feel a bit more normal about yourself.
Or it will make you think I’m a total weirdo.
It’s a coin flip.
But I’m willing to take that risk, as I find it hard to believe that I am the only person that does certain things—and I don’t mean just eating with plastic silverware that has been washed and stuck in the drawer at home, even though the “real” stuff is right next to it.
Let’s move on to some things you might not admit to, but know you have recently done once or twice (and by “you” I mean “me,” of course).
Admit it, you’ve:
- Dusted around certain things instead of picking them up and dusting under them. It can be a coaster or a toaster and yet I will occasionally decide it’s too much effort to actually lift it up.
- Sprayed perfume/air freshener and then proceeded to walk straight into it with your mouth open.
- Heard the doorbell and thrown yourself across the room and/or dove behind a large piece of furniture like a stuntman in an effort to fake out one of the millionteenth neighbor kids begging you to buy overpriced wrapping paper and stale popcorn.
- Yelled at an inanimate object in a way that would make Andrew Dice Clay blush, only to find out that you forgot to plug the damn thing in.
- Gone a whole day before realizing you have a fabric softener sheet stuck in a sleeve or pant leg, and then decided that it smelled just lovely enough to keep there.
- Created a paper jam at the copy machine/printer (accidentally), checked to see if anyone saw you (discretely) and walked away (quickly).
- Given an automatic reply, such as “You too,” “Love ya, “ etc. in situations where it absolutely makes no sense.
- Wanted to bitch slap douche from the gym who wears his “Leg Day” pants, tank top, lifting gloves and weight belt to the store and looks at everyone else like they’re the weirdos.
You know you know him.
- Spontaneously busted out with “Dancing Queen” as you walked into your boss’ office (much to her surprise, and dare I say…delight?)
- Avoided purchasing an article of clothing because you might have to iron it at some point in the future and even though you have an iron, that’s not the point.
- Found yourself typing out basic words in brand new ways—“thare” and “Noo York,” for example—and got pissed when spell check pointed this out.
- Farted while doing yoga. (Don’t pretend it’s never happened, unless of course you’ve never done yoga or you practice at home—like me—and now you’re pretending you don’t know what I’m talking about.)
Well, there’s a look at how my week has gone so far…
You feel a bit more normal.
My work here is done.