I don’t remember when I figured out “who” Santa Claus was (I don’t want to ruin it for anyone), but I do remember believing with my whole heart and soul that the cookies I left were eaten by the jolly old man himself and that the tracks in the snow on our deck were from his reindeer.
And even though we get older and some traditions fade, if you think about it, there are a lot of weird things we do around the holidays that wouldn’t be, should I say, socially acceptable any other time of year.
Shall we take a look?
- Let’s cynically address the Santa issue first. Technically speaking, parents are lying—albeit for a good cause I approve of. They are generally encouraging a radically dressed stranger to first grope their kids in public while pictures are taken. (This behavior is not encouraged in the middle of May when Little Suzy wants a pony.) The kids are then told to ask him for free things, as “if they are good,” this stranger will enter their house in the middle of the night, eat their food and leave some loot.
In other words, bribery always works.
- Next, in a society that makes a big deal over pretzel ads, being fit and overconsumption, the fact that Santa must be fat to be liked can’t be ignored. Mrs. Santa has a need for her husband to gain weight and has been quoted as shaming him by saying, "Eat, Papa, eat! No one likes a skinny Santa!" He needs to look a certain way and she tries to control his food.
At the very least, Mrs. Clause is codependent.
Let’s move on…
- Stockings—we hang up big socks. We eat things out of socks.
- We decorate and then sit around dead trees.
- By hanging up a sprig of mistletoe in random place, we are encouraged to kiss whoever is standing there by choice or chance. Awkward much? This should not be allowed in an office environment, nor should people be encouraged to wear that stupid hat with mistletoe permanently attached.
Both are just creepy.
- Words and phrases like “ho, ho, ho,” “nutcracker,” “plump breasts,” “pipe” “gay” and “fudge packer” can be used without automatic assumptions attached to the meaning.
- Listening to Willie Nelson, Celine Dion or a trio of rodents sing the same song is not uncommon if you listen to streaming seasonal songs for any amount of time.
- We believe there really are three wise men that would remember to bring gifts and arrive on time.
- Little people (elves) and virgins (Mary) are praised instead of given their own reality TV show on TLC.
- People intentionally wear horrible sweaters with snowmen, bells and other holiday icons under the guise of “donning gay apparel.”
These are actually two friends of mine—both dentists who dress well in everyday life.
- Throughout the month of December, people who normally make nothing more than dinner reservations will take to playing the role of Martha Stewart by creating houses out of pre-made gingerbread and sticky frosting. They will then give away slightly burned cookies with ungodly amounts of edible embellishments and “traditional family foods” that no one in the family actually likes anymore under the guise of it being a gift.
You win some, you lose some…and you remember the sadistic soul that gave this to you.
- Displaying bright blinking lights and inflatable characters in your front yard will not warrant a neighbor watch meeting you are conveniently not invited to to discuss the “trashing down” of the neighborhood—as long as the displays are taken down by the time the snow melts, of course.
- Nobody thinks it weird when people dress their pets up in holiday outfits, despite a lack of enthusiasm from the pets themselves.
Considering she only has one tooth, I’m not too worried about retaliation if she doesn’t.
But that’s the beauty of the holiday season, isn’t it? We suspend disbelief and allow ourselves to enjoy some of the simple things that might warrant restraining orders or interventions at any other time of the year.
Except hats on the cat—that never gets old.
I made this short list and I checked it twice—what can you add?
I’m a jew, so excuse me for my slight ignorance on the subject.
Heres my seasonal exceptions:
-I think my validation on hating children is solidified. little kids are rarely awesome. They don’t understand things, they cry a lot, have poor hygiene, require constant attention, actually believe in Santa Claus, and still have an overall sense of wonder about the world. And Christmas really brings all of these things together. If they don’t receive something they wanted, get the fuck out of the way, there’s a real shit-storm coming. Oy…..
-I call it”guilty giving”. The Salvation Army bells ring. The pleas come in. Yes, I have more than most people in the world. No, I don’t feel like giving it away to every charity begging for money during the holidays. I still have bills to pay, so I donate my time and preferably for soup kitchens and animal shelter. I’m awful. anyhow, nothing says the holidays like people in red suits (no beard) ringing a bell asking you to put money in a red tin.
-three words: ugly sweater parties
Haha! This is fantastic Abs! I love analyzing traditions, Christmas obviously being one of the biggest, to realize that what we do and consider to be ‘normal’ is actually so very strange.
I absolutely love the one about having a strange man come into your child’s house. I watch the Grinch every single year, and it always makes me think about how easily the Grinch manipulates little Cindy Lou into thinking that he is Santa when she gets out of bed while he’s raiding the place. I wonder if a burglar or thief has ever pulled that off!
Happy holidays
Those sweaters are just…..BAD! Ive never had any run ins with the mistletoe, thank God. And I’ve seen dogs being dressed up against their will, but cats? That’s just wrong! I’m sure there’s some ancient reason why we put up stockings. It stands to reason that a long time ago people probably had to dry there socks over the fire place or something like that and it was convenient to say it was for christmas instead of taking them down for the holidays…………I’ve thought about this before, if you couldn’t tell….Haha!
OMG this is hysterical. You are something else Abby, this needs to be published BIGGER! Not that your blog isn’t big but this should be in a book. A funny Christmas book that I will purchase and put in a smelly sock along with some chocolates and antacids (this is what my husband got last year in his.)
I don’t have anything funny to add, but does anyone remember and LOVE Claymation Christmas? The California Raisins? SRSLY!
Oh god, I heard a version of “happy christmas/ war is over” by celine dion and thought the world was ending. ick.
Great post!
Meri
I think the mistletoe tradition is creepy. Ew. What if it was a big, sweaty balding guy with BO?
I like the fact that some neighbors spend exorbitant amt of $$ to decorate their house so that cheap Asians like me can sit in my dark undecorated room and enjoy the view, while THEY sit in their brightly colored house but have to get OUT of their house to enjoy the view.
Hahaha, this is awesome. My husband and I were laughing reading this – they are all so true! My one personal seasonal exception is a big more serious – I go to midnight mass. I’m a recovering catholic, but there’s something about midnight mass that makes my heart swell.
On a lighter note, I put a christmas sweater on my Boston Terrier the other day. He looked adorably annoyed.
This is pretty funny. We were actually talking about this very thing the other night–especially re: decorating a dead tree. How weird a tradition.
I don’t have anything witty and fun to add. But I will say this: yesterday I was in Rite Aid picking up a few things and on my way out something caught my eye. They now sell little bags of candy lumps of coal. Really? Who would you give that to? Here’s your candy lump of coal–Merry Christmas!