I haven’t written much lately about food, exercise, etc. simply because I really have nothing new to say and to be honest, I’m kind of over talking about it as a blanket issue. I’m trying more than I have in years to gain, and although my efforts haven’t been successful in terms of numbers on the scale, I have gained quite a bit of insight into the stranglehold that this crap really still has on me.
While the length of most of my posts may suggest otherwise, I am actually a minimalist in many areas of my life. I’ve written about this before, so I won’t rehash it all again, but lately it’s really come to the forefront.
Let me say this one more time— (for me) it’s not about body image, it’s not about the food in general and it’s not about feeling “fat”,” less-than or insecure. I actually am quite overconfident in many areas of my life, but when it comes to trusting myself to break my own routines and rituals, I lack any significant trust.
No, this has nothing to do with wanting to be thin and beautiful, but lately it has everything to do with getting out of my minimal mindset and acting in ways that feel completely unnatural and uncomfortable.
If I don’t “need” something, I can’t seem to justify buying/eating/doing it.
This may come across as shallow, but the overconsumption and (perceived) lack of control in our country of everything –food, money, pleasure, etc.—is part of my disdain for “more” of anything (with exceptions, of course.) And while I don’t think that many of my (perceived) “different” views on life in general are things I need to change—it’s me and I make no apologies—I can acknowledge that this particular attachment is something I need to let go of, if only little by little.
What’s hard is that I don’t feel limited or deprived of anything, so it’s not as if I feel like I’m missing out on something great.
My needs are really quite simple and even if I don’t exactly know what makes me happy or what I want, I have a good idea of what I don’t want and what makes me unhappy. In comparison to the “more” attitude of so many others, this often makes me feel like I should want something more, even if I’m relatively content.
But there are times I feel restricted by my routines and rules and right now I’m not in a healthy place. Even if I really don’t have a huge problem with it overall, I know that being where I am weight-wise is a huge problem in itself. This minimal mindset—whether it’s a minimal amount of ingredients in my food, a minimal number of social obligations or even a minimal number of dishes used at a meal—is so engrained in the way I live that I don’t know anything else.
Food both included and aside, consumption of anything “just because” feels uncomfortable and slightly out of control to me.
However, until I get to a healthier weight and place with things, I’m going to have to challenge the most difficult part of this mindset and not accept that I’m where I need to be on that level. While I might feel satisfied with less, there are times when more is necessary.
One reason I bring this up is that there is often a perception that it’s all about restricting food in an effort to fit some socially accepted ideal, when in fact it’s the complete opposite for me. While this may come across as harsh, I feel much more aversion to those who do fit an ideal or fulfill some stereotype—the stick thin model that doesn’t eat for reasons of vanity, the overweight American glued to their couch and obsessed with fast food, the business executive ignoring their core values to attain a monetary reward.
Don’t get me wrong in that these are stereotypes—I realize there are a million people who don’t fall into these categories—but people with eating disorders are also often lumped into similar groups. To each their own, but find out what the motivation is before making assumptions.
It’s often assumed that our minimal mindset equates to wanting to be as small as possible and that a lack of confidence drives us to restriction of anything and everything. In actuality, if I could wake up tomorrow 30 lbs heavier and maintain that weight, I would be thrilled. It’s the process in getting there that is grueling.
So for me, it’s about embracing the fact that including “more” of something doesn’t automatically equate to overconsumption or loss of control. It simply means that sometimes, more is more, and more is perfectly OK.
In case you missed it the first time around, check out the post swap I did with Eden of Eden’s Eats!
Everyone out there has a motivation behind what they are doing or not doing. Yet we always make assumptions. The stick thin model may starve herself, but she may also just take care of herself. And that person who is overweight may be a couch potato, but they may also run marathons! You never know. We are not book covers. We are people, the pages of the book, and we are so stupidly complex. I say stupidly, because sometimes we are predictable, too. I enjoyed reading this post, Abby. Hope you have a great Sunday!
Interesting thoughts. In terms of being a minimalist, I hope you can come to grips to know that food cannot apply to that rule – not at all.
In terms of stereotypes, this is an issue that bothers me fiercely. The stereotypes I have received from family and past health professionals has been nothing short of frustrating. Frustrating. That will drive you into madness right there.
I just have no connection to the whole body image and “look” thing like I know some do or that is all too often associated with that kind of thing. It is annoying to be branded as such when it not you at all. It can run the risk of making you feel like you are “becoming that” when it is so far from your own reality.
This makes a lot of sense to me. I struggle often with anything that is more than what I think I need. It becomes a problem when my understanding of my food needs aren’t adequate. Anyway, I relate a lot to the disdain of the idea that restricting is about fitting in with society. It definitely is not that for me either. I hate when I am misunderstood in this area. It makes me cringe. Like you, if I could wake up and magically have gained the weight, I would do it in a heartbeat.
I am glad to hear that you have made some important realizations lately. Like you said, where you are weight-wise isn’t okay. Unfortunately the process of getting to a healthier place sucks, but hopefully getting there will be a time where you can see that there is balance between ‘less’ and ‘more.’ Not sure if that makes sense. But I hope you can find a place where your routines feel more helpful and less resticting in this area.
You know I understand the minimalism all too well… and I’m also irritated by the stereotypes and assumptions. We are always on the same wavelength!
Interesting post!! I think that recovery is quite the “awakening!” Which involves a lot of thinking and insight!
<3 jess
xoxo
I too am more apt to make do with just what I need. What I learned in my recovery that part of meeting your needs is to actually have some wants. Its only organic and natural to have desires. I feel like society puts such a negative energy on “giving in” to our wants. It seems like supermarket and drugstores are filled with products for stuff to keep us from giving in to our desires. “drink this so you wont crave this!”. My dad asked me once, “what would you like for your birthday?” and I instantly shot out, “o, I dont need anything.” My dad asked me again, “Im not interested in what you need, what do you WANT?”. I honestly never gave him an answer, i guess he still owes me a present. anyhow, its tough to identify, but EDs can actually be so selfless. I’m still learning how to give myself things that aren’t a “need”. I’m glad our embracing “more”. My therapist used to tell me “Eden, you are so wonderful, why on earth would you try to make “less” of you!” And shes right. I’m worth it, and as are you, we deserve to take up more space in the world.
I try and combat this sort of thinking by trying to think of weight as money. Being at an unhealthy weight is like being overdrawn. Being on the border is living paycheck to paycheck. Being at a healthy weight means that you are safe if you have an unexpected expense (illness or unanticipated energy output like running from packs of embittered squirrels).
I totally get that example, but for me it’s really not about the weight. It’s funny you mention weight as money, because money is part of the “minimal” mindset that I mention. I hesitate to buy anything I don’t “need,” and this includes “extra” foods that I normally wouldn’t buy but probably need to include.
It’s just a mindset that extends itself over a broad spectrum of things (including but not limited to unanticipated output like running from packs of embittered squirrels.)
It’s so easy to stereotype. About anything and everything. I find personally that since I’ve noticed more and more people over-eating, over-spending and in general just getting things to have them, I seem to want to do the opposite. Maybe to somehow feel like I’m balancing it all out? I’m not sure.
I wonder if those peering in from the outside, wishing for the thinness they see in some who are battling eating disorders, has perpetuated this idea that this illness is based on simple vanity. From what I can tell, this illness seems to be multi-layered and that everyone’s experience living with it and recovering from it is unique to that person.
Abby, I hope you can continue recovering and that the weight starts moving in the right direction.
Hi there. Love the post. I have to say – when I was completely under-weight – I thought that if I could magically wake up and be 10lbs heavier – I would be happy. But you know what – I am nearly 20lbs heavier now – and I have to say – it is extremely, extremely hard. I am not saying this as a challenge or to be rude – in anyway, shape or form. I hope you believe me. I know for me – I got rid of the scale, I started eating – and gaining – and now hear I sit. Unsure of how I got to this point and incredibly scared at how the progression of things happened. This is completely honest and I completely felt the way you did. I thought that if I could just get there – it would all be fine. But now I am here – and don’t have mechanisms.
That said – for me – it was about the weight and the security and the control. I am the stereotype – unfortunately. So sad, but true.
thank you so much for the post and I hope I am not being offensive (not my intent at all). I think others have strength in this area that I do not. For sure.
Insightful. I’ve always considered myself a minimalist but never dug deeper beyond that. I certainly understand what you mean about being content but feeling like you should want more. Many times I know what will make me happy or what is enough for me but feel that I’m supposed to be more ambitious. I have a hard time buying things – clothes, food, fun things – and even accepting gifts that aren’t necessities. Mostly, I feel guilty. I get overcome with guilt for having so much when the world is full of people who don’t have enough. It’s still hard for me to reconcile with. But I have to put my faith in God, thank him for all my blessings, enjoy what he’s given me, and do my very best to give back.
I often am content with minimal contact with other people. It’s not good. That’s one area (like food) that I think we shouldn’t skimp on.
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