I’ve never attended a writer’s conference, mostly because they’re expensive and my OCD makes it hard to travel at times. However, I know a lot of people find them very beneficial so I decided to establish my own.
Description: A conference for writers and bloggers of any age and genre to connect, learn and cuddle—not wrestle—with the creative demons they have. The only prerequisite is a sense of humor and a willingness to walk down to the corner gas station to use the bathroom, as I like to keep my stuff clean.
Note: shoes come off at the door.
Ticket: Price includes unlimited sessions and access to my deck, but see above about bladder evacuation options.
Topics Covered: Everything from dealing with writer’s block to explaining to friends and family that your blog post/novel is not based on them (even though it probably is.)
Here are just a few of the courses offered:
Workspace Feng Shui
Writers know that everything has to be perfect when
procrastinating waiting for inspiration to hit. Learn to prioritize these tasks, such as what size Post-Its to write your to-do list on, where that plant looks best, color organization of pens, snack drawer replenishment and paperclip sculpture and art.
Narcissism in the Age of the Internet
Attendees will be given the tools needed to make their tweets fake trophy-worthy, their Facebook updates ring with confidence/insecurity and their selfies flattering in the light of the bathroom. They will also be given tips on how to buy fans/followers and Photoshop their profile pictures to an almost unrecognizable image.
Advanced Blog and Book Skimming
Are you always a subhead and never a headline? That’s probably because you’re actually writing and not including viral graphics, lists or headlines such as, “You’re Doing Parenting Wrong!” or “What Celebrity Just Shit Their Pants?”
People like quick and easy things to read, so students will learn to make their dumbed down posts shine without the restraints of writing in complete sentences or proofreading. This session will conclude with a series of BuzzFeed quizzes to determine which pasta dish every attendee was in a past life.
Typo Trauma 101*
Play it off as funny? Run away and start a new life? Learn how to deal with the angst of finding a typo more than .5 seconds after something has been posted or published somewhere you can’t go back and edit.
*The support group will meet immediately after this session. Carbs will be provided.
Participants will learn to go from query and submission to dealing with the “nice no,” the “hell no” and the “what the hell do they know?” of rejection. Everyone is asked to print out and bring their rejection letters to use for decoupaging a complimentary flask as part of art therapy sessions.
Conclusion: The conference will end with a couchgating hour—dress code is yoga pants or jeans—and an assortment of beverages essential for any successful writer, including but not limited to: water, tea, coffee, wine and a selection of liquor such as James and the Giant Peach Schnapps, Fifty Shades of Grey Goose and Tequila Mockingbird.
After which we will join in a circle, sing “Kumbaya” and lament how nobody “gets” us. It promises to be The Best Writing Conference Ever.
(T-shirts will be sold at the door.)
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